


Open Wounds

by ShatteredGlassHouse



Series: Hartwin Hogwarts AU [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Angst, Auror Eggsy, Auror Roxy, DADA teacher Harry, Flirting, Hogwarts, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Light Smut, M/M, Pining, Pining Eggsy, Roxy Is a Good Bro, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-01-31 16:13:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 32,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12685443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShatteredGlassHouse/pseuds/ShatteredGlassHouse
Summary: Four years after Eggsy made THE mistake and Harry ripped him apart, Eggsy and Roxy have to go back.  Sadly, avoiding a certain ex-Auror is unprofessional.  And old feelings never went away.  Hopefully, Eggsy can survive the time there without making another mistake...Sequel to Spellbound and Hellhound.





	1. part I

**Author's Note:**

> I know it's been like a hundred years since I promised, but life has been a bitch! I am so sorry that it has taken me this long. 
> 
> After I was done Spellbound and Hellhound, I started up this, but I got a third done and hated it. I rewrote it and got about half done before I ended up in the hospital.
> 
> I was diagnosed with Chiari malformation, which caused hydrocephalus and I had to have surgery to remove part of my skull in the back of my head. Things didn't go as planned. I stopped breathing and had to have emergency surgery. I ended up in a coma for about two weeks. It's been a slow recovery and I still have physio. It was just a big mess. 
> 
> But I am back and I almost have this fic done! I won't take another year to update!

Eggsy walked out of the fireplace, looking around the crowded atrium.  Just another day at work.  It was a warm summer day, which didn’t fair well with wool robes, luckily, he was down in the ground.

He caught the elevator, which was already packed.  There was a tired wizard and a witch will a pinched-up face.  He recognized her as a worker for the Minister but didn’t remember her name.  The elevator stopped aa two people got off and Alice got on.

“Hello, Eggsy,” Alice greeted him kindly.  “Have a good weekend?” 

Alice was part of the Auror department and had been his partner on several occasions when he first started.

“Alright.  Nothin’ big.”  Eggsy shrugged as the elevator stopped again.  “How ‘bout you?”

“Same as you.  Peter tried and failed trying to get the gnomes out of the garden.”

“Still lettin’ your husband do tha’?”  Eggsy smirked as they stepped onto their floor. 

Alice chuckled and shacked her head.  “I let him _try_.”

They walked to his desk as Eggsy bid farewell.  He sighed and dropped his messenger bag by his chair as he collapsed on his chair.  He was exhausted; a weekend wasn’t much of a recovery.  He just got back from a mission and collapsed on his bed and didn’t immerge from his house until it was time for work.

He refused calls from his mum, which felt bad since he hadn’t talked to her in over a week.  But he was too tired to communicate with anyone, even Roxy who had demanded a call when got back.  He’ll get an earful anyway.

He had to fill out the paperwork and submit to Merlin today.  He’s been told off too many times this year alone for pushing the wizard’s extension.

He decided to just get started and get it done before lunch.  Also, he wasn’t ready to face Roxy when it was barely nine.

*****

Eggsy finished just after eleven, which would have been faster if he hadn’t taken a twenty break to try and have a nap.

He was proud of himself; ready to rub it in Merlin’s face that he didn’t have to go hunting for him

He just put the parchment to the side of his desk when a fiery blonde witch stormed into his cubicle.

“Nice of you to call me to let me know you were safe,” Roxy grumbled as she crossed her arms.

“Sorry,” Eggsy replied, without any emotion.  He knew he should be little sympathetic.

Roxy rolled her eyes and pushed on.  “I don’t care if you were tired, it only takes a minute to call your friend and let her know you’re not dead.  I don’t want a repeat of last year.”

Eggsy cringed at the reminder.  One mission went tits up and Eggsy was on the receiving end of a pyrotechnic happy wizard and ended up in St. Mungos for a week.  Roxy hadn’t been notified directly and when she found out she tore Eggsy a new one.  And now had a rule that each of them would call when they were back safe.

“Sorry.  I was too tired,” Eggsy replied lamely.

Roxy just rolled her eyes, but say anything else. 

“So, did anyone miss me while I was gone?”  The Auror smiled brightly as he leaned back in his chair.

Roxy laughed and returned his smile.  “Please, I think Merlin was going to throw a party.  He was glad to not have to deal with your shit for a week.”

“Fat chance.  He loves me too much to sack me.”

“Sadly, you have that way with people apparently.”  She sneered and rolled her eye.

“Certain people,” Eggsy amended.  He paused after that remembering the first person that did that, which turned out to be a lie.

The witch noticed his far-off gaze and cringed.  “Sorry,” she said quietly when she realized what she had done.

“S’not your fault, Rox.  It’s my fault.”  Eggsy sighed and picked up his parchment.  “I’m goin’ to take this to Merlin.”  He held up the files and left his little box.

Roxy stayed there for a moment, watching her friend walk away with his head held high. She knew it was a mask.

*****

The rest of day went by uneventful.  Merlin was shocked when Eggsy turned up with the paper two days after returning from an assignment.  But Eggsy didn’t feel any encouragement from the wizard.  It was genuine, but rub Eggsy the wrong way.

He just pulled a cocky smirk—which he hoped it was convincing—and replied with an ‘anytime, Guv’ and went back to work.

He also didn’t see Roxy until they met at the lift at the end of the day.  Eggsy’s mood had lightened throughout the day.  He trudged through the nearly empty lobby, feeling exhausted and just wanted to collapse into bed.

When he got home he just grabbed a slice of cold pizza before calling his mum.  He was thankful being raised it the muggle world.  The phone was much easier to use.

The phone rang three times before his mum answered.

“Hi, honey.  Nice to finally hear from you,” Michelle reprimand, but there was humour in her voice.

The wizard cringed a bit.  “Sorry ‘bout tha’.  Was tired.”

“You work hard.  But I do want to see you soon.  A mother can only go so long without seeing her only son.  Plus, Daisy keeps asking about you.”

It has been awhile since he’d seen his family and he missed them.  He had a demanding job and the only perks of it were being with Roxy and being able to provide for his family.  Michelle refused, but eventually took the help only for Daisy, she still worked.  Though Eggsy would never admit, and Michelle would never let him know she knew, the reason he helped them was so she could divorce Dean.  It’s been two years since then and It was the only source of happiness had at the time. 

“I know.  I’ll try this weekend. Unless Merlin sends me out before.”

“Well let’s hope.  Was the trip good?”  She wasn’t allowed much information but could make sure her baby was fine.

“Wos good.  Nothin’ to worry ‘bout.”  Eggsy took a bite of pizza and dropped on his bed.  It was only after seven and he just wanted to sleep.  The mission was exhausting, one of the few that made him want to crawl into bed not emerge for days.

He owed his mum, though.  It had been nearly two weeks without a call.  He knew his mum expected it, but it didn’t mean he didn’t feel bad.  He knew his mum was lonely when he went off to Hogwarts and the times he wouldn’t leave for the holidays.  He kind of suspected that’s why she went with Dean.  Who turned out to be an asshole, whom Eggsy wished nasty things.

He talked with his mum for a bit, asking to speak with Daisy but she was getting ready to go to sleep and he didn’t want to rile her up.

He talked to his mum for another ten minutes before bidding her a goodnight and a promise to call when Daisy was up.

He finished dinner before getting under his sheets.  Even though it was summer he always got cool at night and snuggled up like it was winter. 

He just wished tomorrow would be more relaxing and less demanding.  He had his papers—surprisingly—done and he didn’t have anything of his concern…yet.     

*****

The sun was beating down on Eggsy as he walked to the Ministry’s entrance.  It was only August and it was one of the worst summers Eggsy had the pleaser of dealing with.  He was glad the weather would soon cool, which meant not sweating his ass off in his robes.

The Ministry was unusually busy.  Though, Eggsy didn’t mind when he was in his department and away from the chaos.

He went right to Roxy’s office, always joking that she was Merlin’s favourite.  They had started their training the same time.  It was nice to have his friend with him after school.

“Hey, Rox.”  He grinned and dropped his bag by the chair before dropping onto the cushioned armchair.

“Morning, Eggsy.”  She didn’t look up from her paper as she scribbled with her quill.   “Honestly, why do people wait until the last minute for help?”  She was filling out a review for Merlin on her work ethic, which was also on Eggsy’s desk. 

Around them, there was talk about Hogwarts letter and parents figuring when’s the right time to go.  And mother getting teary-eyed at thoughts their eleven-year-olds were going to school for the first time.  He remembered when he got his letter, he was excited to live up to his father’s memory.  Only that required actually working he realized in his third year.   His mum cried when got on the train, saying she’ll miss, which made Eggsy feel worse; he didn’t want to leave his mum alone.

He met Roxy in their charms class when he was late and had to sit the only empty spot, next to Roxy.  After that, they sat together in every class and met up during free time.

Their friendship was tested at the end of their training and Roxy got a job right away.  Eggsy thought he would be alone, but to his surprise, he was hired two days later.

After hearing two witches talking about the letters, Eggsy turned back to his mate.

“I miss Hogwarts,” the wizard declared, crossing a leg over the other one.

Roxy hummed as she placed the quill into her ink bottle.

“I do too. It’s only been four years and it sometimes feels like we weren’t done.”

“Agree.  I feel strange havin’ a job.”  Eggsy clasped his hands over his knees.  “Now we’re adults.  Weird.”

“It was so wired when we had to Hogwarts.  It almost didn’t feel real.  Not being there as students.”

Eggsy remembered that assignment, it was one of the first missions he had with Roxy, and he still says Merlin did it as a sick joke.  He had said he was over Harry Hart, but Roxy knew he was lying. Which he didn’t hide well.  It had been just about two years since the time Harry had left him in tears. 

Looking back now he was embarrassed.  He didn’t regret his confession, it helped him grow—not in a good way.  He was ashamed of Harry’s reaction.  He left the school broken, and with Roxy’s help, he managed to convince himself that he was over his professor.

Roxy knew.  She was kind enough to go with the wizard’s charade.  And when they were at the school she would cover him or warn him that Harry was around.  It was totally bonkers, but Eggsy lost some of his pried when Harry tore him up.  Luckily, with Roxy’s help, he never ran into Professor Hart.  He never got the honour be called something else—well, anything that was appropriate.

He figured Harry knew he was there.  Professors had to know this stuff, but Harry never sought him out either, which Eggsy didn’t know if he should be glad.

As they left Eggsy did mutter ‘wanker’.

“I know.  Hope won’ happen soon.  I miss it, but not enough to wanna be back.”

“Hmm.  I do agree.  It felt different and I think I would appreciate it more after a few years.”

“Yay.”  Eggsy sighed and kicked his feet out under Roxy’s desk.

The witch then stood up, holding up a piece of parchment.  “I better get this to Merlin.  He’ll be in meetings all day.  You better get started too.”  She walked out, leaving Eggsy alone with the quiet ticking of the clock.

He smiled at seeing it still on her desk.  It had been a Christmas present from Eggsy two years ago, and it wasn’t cheap.

 He walked to his desk and grabbed Merlin’s questionnaire.  He scoffed as he read the instructions.  It was the same as last year and the year before that.

He finished after a half-hour and took it to Merlin’s office.  He half-assed what he wrote, but Merlin should be happy that he got it on time.

The wizard wasn’t in his office, but his door was open, so Eggsy just dropped it off and went back to Roxy’s.

He dropped into the chair he had occupied before and fished out a bag of chocolate coins.  He grabbed one and popped into his mouth.

“Done,” Eggsy declared proudly.

Roxy rolled her eyes and closed her book.  “I’m not sure if I’m supposed to applaud you for doing something you are meant to do.”  She placed her book to the side and held her hand out for a coin.

Eggsy didn’t reply and took another chocolate.  They had nothing to do today.  Summers oddly slow in the Auror department, so Eggsy took it upon himself to take up residence in Roxy’s office.

“Honestly,” Roxy sighed, “I just want something—anything—to do.  I’m tired of just sitting around.  I already did all the files Merlin gave me.”

Eggsy wouldn’t ever admit it, but he finished last week.  He just wanted to get back in the field, even if was for one day, which seldom happened.

“Jus’ ask Merlin.”  The wizard shrugged.

“You know how he gets when you bother him.”  Roxy held her hand out for another coin.

They both knew what the wizard was like.  If he had jobs for them he would tell them.  It wasn’t like the office was slow.  Many Aurors had jobs coming in, excepted them.

“Find it weird Merlin skips us on jobs?”

“It is”-Roxy ripped the foil off the chocolate- “but I figured they were for more experience Aurors.”

“Mm.  Still.  Havn’ we proved ourselves?”

“We have, but just let it rest for now.  Soon the student will go back to Hogwarts and hopefully work will pick up.”

“Guess.  So-” Eggsy perked up, leaned forward-“how ‘bout we leave early and go out?’

“Eggsy, no.  We have a job and as boring as today is we can’t leave.”

The wizard frowned and sat back.  She was right; she was right in school.

“Fine.”

“How about we go out after work?”

Eggsy perked up a bit.  He still wanted leave, he’ll settle with Roxy’s offer.

“Fine.  But four sharp.”

*****

By four Roxy was walking into Eggsy’s cubical.  The young man was already ready to go.

He glanced at his friend.  “Wanna change and meet at mine?”

“Sure.  I’d like to get out of these and enjoy the night.”  She chuckled as she led the way to the lift.  They made it three steps before Eggsy ducked into an empty office.

“Eggsy?  Wha-” she cut off when she saw the reason the wizard left.  By the lift was nonother than Harry Hart.  She jumped in and hid behind the door.  She was about to ask, but Eggsy shushed her.  A moment later their old professor walked by. 

Roxy was about to walk back out but was pulled back.

“Wait,” Eggsy whispered, almost growled.   Roxy obliged this time, preparing to rip into Eggsy once they were out.  They waited until the talking faded.  When Eggsy assumed the coast was clear, he led the way out.

“Sorry, Rox,” he muttered sheepishly as they walked to the lift.

“Mm.  I didn’t have a choice,” she said, lighting the mood.

As they walked into the gold cage they heard voices behind them.  Eggsy slowly turned around and froze.  Harry had come back and his voice chilled him.  It was only a second later the life shot down while Harry looked over.

This had been the first time he saw Harry Hart since leaving Hogwarts.  When they had been back for work, he avoided the professor, having Roxy as a lookout.  It’s been four years and the man was still able to speed up Eggsy’s heart. 

They remained silent until they agreed for Roxy to meet at his house.  When he walked into his flat he was glad that Roxy didn’t press.  Though, tonight he would have to answer the questions.

He changed into jeans and blue button-up shirt.  Roxy popped out of the fire five minutes, wearing black skinny jeans and a plain white t-shirt.

“Ready?” the man asked, holding the door open. 

They walked a little around London.  They chose a pub on the corner of a road.  It wasn’t busy for a Thursday night.  They took their seat.  When the waitress left with their drink order Roxy took no time interrogating the wizard.

“Know wha’ you’re gonna say, Rox.  Wait until I have a pint or two before I answer.”

“If I did you’d be drunk.  Eggsy, it’s been four years.  I know it still hurts and it’s not healthy.”

“Never said I was fine.  You just assumed.”

Roxy bit her lip before sighing.  “You never spoke of it, so I assumed.  I should have known your silence wasn’t a good sign.  But, Eggsy, it’s been four years, aren’t you a little over it?”

Eggsy took a moment.  As their drinks arrived, Eggsy wasted no time, throwing back half of it.

“I guess, it’ more like hate and pain.”  Which was exactly like years ago.  “I feel it less.  I don’ know.”  Eggsy groaned and buried his head in his hands.  “I don’ think I got over it.”

Roxy was silent for a moment.  When the waitress came back for their orders Eggsy took the opportunity to avoid Roxy’s gaze.

After they placed their orders Roxy rounded on her friend.

“I understand you’re still hurt, but don’t you think enough time has passed.  Harry is a dick for what he did too.  Show him you’re the better person.” 

They have had similar conversations each year, but none of them involved actually seeing Harry Hart.

“I though’ I was, but seein’ ‘im today sadly reminded me tha’ I’m not over him at all.  I think the way he dismissed me and then acted no different than what I thought.” 

He also never told her how everything was a lie, that Harry never cared about him.  He was just fulfilling a debt, the reason he’s never got over Harry Hart.  He’ has gotten over his love for the man.   Not the betrayal.

“I just neva want to see ‘im again.”

“You know that’s not possible,” Roxy spoke quietly and held Eggsy’s hand. 

He nodded salmon and sat silently as their food came.   He knew Roxy was right.  He’s obligated to go to Hogwarts.  He just hoped it wouldn’t be anytime soon.

“Anything planned for the weekend?”  Eggsy changed the subject, not wanting to divulge more information.

Roxy pursed her lips. But took the bait.  “Nothing.  Probably just cleaning.  You?”  She took a mouthful of her salad.

“Since no missions, I’m plannin’ on seein’ my mum.”

“How is your mum?”

“Good, I guess.  Haven’ talked to ‘er much.”  He felt bad ignoring his mum, but the truth was he’d been too busy and going to bed early.  He didn’t know why he felt so tired all the time.  Until he knew, he wasn’t telling anyone.

*****

Luckily, Eggsy never ran into Harry again.  Whenever he heard the wizard was visiting Merlin he always took his lunch or conveniently had papers to run down to another department.

It was the end of August and school was well on its way.  Harry was back teaching—torturing the new poor souls that unfortunately walked into his classroom.  But also, it blessed Eggsy.  He didn’t have to run off every time he was in the building.

Roxy never said anything, but Eggsy knew she thought he was acting childish.  He was, but Eggsy just claimed it was for his sanity.  He knew he couldn’t do that forever.  He was fucking twenty-one-years-old; he had a job.  He was an adult, not the seventeen-year-old who thought he was in love with his professor.

He found out the hard way and he could never thank Roxy enough for all the shit she put up with.  As a gift to her and some growing on his part, he vowed next time he ran into Harry he wouldn’t run away, he would hold his head up and face the man

Roxy was currently out on the field, leaving him alone to fend Merlin off on his own.  It’s been two weeks since his last assignment and felt the peace and quiet would come to an end soon.  That wasn’t always the way.  Sometimes he could go a month without being put in the field, but lately, it’s been every two weeks.  Eggsy didn’t mind, it kept him busy. 

He was in the middle of sorting files Merlin gave him, which was actually the other wizards job.   He was so bored, he gladly took the task.

Eggsy just cracked the middle of his assignment when Amelia walked in.  She sat on the edge of his desk as she glanced down at his work.

“Isn’t that Merlin’s job?” she asked

“It is,” Eggsy admitted as he placed his quill down and looked up.

Amelia was a beautiful woman.  If he were attracted to her, he’d have asked her out.  Actually, she had asked him out when he first started here and he happily accepted.  It went well, but to Eggsy, he felt no attraction to her.  He always knew he was attracted to men, and Harry had helped his downfall.  After the rejection, Eggsy closed in on himself and tried not to think about boys.  If Harry didn’t want him then who would?  That’s why he accepted Amelia’s invite, hoping there would be some spark.  There wasn’t.  It took Roxy kicking his ass when he turned down an offer from a boy. 

He had gone a few dates, but nothing past a few nights out.  He was still a virgin.  Being a 21-year-old virgin was embarrassing and he wasn’t about to share that with anyone.

“Did you fuck up?”

“Nah.  Didn’ offer.  Jus’ got it.  Passes the time, though.”  He sat back in his chair.  “So, how’s the day goin’?” 

“Busy.  It seems like every time I come back there’s more and more paperwork.”

“I think Merlin likes to hold his power over us.”  Eggsy smirked as Amelia rolled her eyes.

“How is it you haven’t gotten fired?”

“My charm.” He pursed his lips and made a kissing sound.

“How Roxy has put up with you this long is a mystery.  So, how are you fairing without your partner in crime?”

“Nice try.  I see wha’ you’re doin’.  And ‘m fine.   I’m able to do shit on my own.”  He tried to sound irritated, but even to his own ears it didn’t.

“Sure,” Amelia dragged out.  “I better get back and leave you to your torture.”

“Have fun.”  Eggsy waved as the witch walked away.

Eggsy wouldn’t admit it, but being an Auror was boring when you had nothing to do, which happened more towards Roxy and him.  He always claimed bias, which the witch agreed but never went into detail like Eggsy did.  It wasn’t because they were still new.  Aurors who came after got more jobs than they had when they first started. 

He wanted to talk to Merlin about, but it was like every time they were preparing to talk to him, the stupid wizard sent one of them out.  It was annoying.

As soon as Roxy returned, they were going to the head Auror and ask (demanding in Eggsy’s case) if there was a problem. 

*****

It was a dull week on his own.  He wondered multiple days how she didn’t die of boredom.  He would have to ask Roxy when she got back.

It was another two days before his best mate returned.  In that time, Merlin boasted his power and tasked Eggsy with more of his work.  Slick git.  He couldn’t say anything if he wanted to be on his good side.  Eggsy never changed his behaviour, but times like these, he had to do some major ass-kissing.

When Roxy returned, she was grumbling under her breath.  Her partner was totally dim and Eggsy grumbled how he got more work than she.

“Honestly, he took every opportunity to exude his power and took over everything I did.  Not a good partnership.  Never want to work with him again and if I have to I’m pulling ranks.”

Eggsy had to laugh a bit, he’s never seen Roxy this miffed and it was bit funny.  Usually, she never was bothered with her partners. 

“Brin’ up to Merlin.”  Eggsy shrugged as pushed from his desk.

“We have more pressing matters than an egotistic Auror.”

True.  They have been planning this talk for weeks, then Roxy was pulled for two weeks.  This was their time and they were doing it today.

Eggsy was just finishing a sentence when he heard shuffling behind him.  He looked up and then to Roxy.  Rolling his eyes, he growled, “get bent, Charlie.”  He had thought leaving Hogwarts would also mean leaving Charlie behind, unfortunately, luck wasn’t on his side.

“Oh, manners, Unwin.”  Charlie sneered arrogantly.

“Do you hav’ somethin’ to say or can I jus’ ignore you like I’ve always done.”

“Eggsy,” Roxy whispered pleadingly.

“Please,” Charlie sneered.  “I don’t want to be here any more than you want me to.  I’m only bringing a message.”

Roxy and Eggsy shared glances. 

“Merlin wants to see both of you.”   

The two looked each other again and stood up.

“Hope it’s a termination.”

“Wanker.”  Eggsy scowled as the walked to the big office. 

Roxy knocked.  They waited for a moment before they heard an “enter”.  They walked and stood in front of the desk.  

“Eggsy.  Roxy, sit.  Now, I have a mission for you two.”

“We figured.”  Roxy elbowed Eggsy.

Merlin narrowed his eyes, but didn’t comment.  “As I was saying, I kept you aside so you were free.”

Bullshit, Eggsy thought.  Never has mission required them to stand aside and prepare.

“Don’t keep us in suspense, guv’.”  That landed another elbow to his side.

Merlin kept his eyes narrowed but continued.  “You’re going back to Hogwarts.”  He smiled.

Both Aurors sat silently.  It’s been two years since their last outing there.

Well, it looks like he’ll have face Harry a lot sooner.  He wondered if Merlin knew about lack of judgment before he graduated.  Merlin and Harry were friends, but Eggsy knew Harry wasn’t the type.  Unless he got Harry all wrong and just met a mask Harry put up.

“Is this a joke?” Eggsy asked as Roxy asked: “Why now?”

Merlin thinned his lips.  “No,” he answered Eggsy’s question first before answering the other question.  “Because I chose you and-” the wizard.

“Don’ we go at the start at the beginnin’” Eggsy said, interrupting Merlin.  It was already closer to October.

“Let me finish,” Merlin sighed just as Roxy elbowed him. “You do, but Richardson and Adams were taken out so I need you two there.  And don’t cut me off.”

“Shit,” Eggsy muttered under his breath.  He didn’t think he’d be seeing Harry so soon.  But Fuck, he’ll do his job.

Merlin heard but ignored it.  “Charlie and Poppy will be with you.”

Ugh, as if this assignment wasn’t bad enough.  Charlie was a prick and he had hoped that leaving school would also mean Charlie.  And Poppy just right terrified him.  It wasn’t a job to be enjoyable.

The assignment was nothing new.  Everyone rotated their time at Hogwarts.  It was mainly just monitoring.  Professor Valentin, despite Hogwarts, being one of the safest places in the wizarding world, always requested Aurors to guard the school and its students.  He remembered in school and seeing Aurors around.  It was one of the reasons he wanted to join.

“What happened to the other two?” Eggsy asked.  If Charlie was joining them, then the whole team was probably cut.

“I decided to start fresh.  You’ll be going next week and you will be there for three months.”

“Three months?” Eggsy nearly shouted, earning another elbow to the ribs.  The last time they went, they only went for two months.

“Yes,” said the Auror with a levelled voice.  “Four is standard.  You only went for two because you were new.  You now have experience, so get used to it.  And be bloody grateful that it’s three months and not a whole year.”  He stared at the young wizard with an unimpressed look.

“You jus’ love this, don’ you, Merlin?”

“Why yes, I do.”  Merlin smugly smiled and leaned back in his chair. “Now go back to work.”

Eggsy’s heart was hammering in his chest as he walked into Roxy’s office.  He collapsed in the chair that he claimed as his years ago.

“So,” Roxy broke the silence and sat in her chair.  “Back to Hogwarts.  To be honest, I kind of expected this soon.  Looks likes like a little sooner.”

“I’ll say.”  Eggsy had his eyes closed, having a mini panic attack.  He knew he had to be professional in his job, but that was easier said than done in this case.

“You’re going to be okay?”  Roxy looked concerned, though Eggsy still had his eyes closed.

“Yep.  Neva better.  We both expected it. ‘M ready.”  He didn’t open his eye for fear of showing his panic.   Whenever Harry was mentioned, he was sent back to that night.  It was probably stupid.  But being seventeen years old and only letting very few people his life, what Harry did reminded him he wasn’t allowed to let people in.

They would have their first real conversation since that night.  The day Harry approached him after exams didn’t count.  It wasn’t a conversation.  And the first time they went back, Eggsy ran into classrooms or the stares if Harry came near.

“I can do this, Rox.”  He finally opened his eyes and gave the girl a smug smile.  “No need to worry.”

Roxy didn’t look convinced, but Eggsy loaded so much on her in the past, he owed her to not need help.

“I’m more concerned ‘bout Charlie.  He’s always an ass kisser when he goes back.  How is this allowed?’

Roxy giggled and pulled a stack of paper towards her.  She may as well get some work done.  “I know.  I almost fainted when I saw him in training.”

“Fuck tha’.  I almost jinxed him.”

“I know.”   Roxy shirked as she looked up from her paper.  “I had to take your wand away.”

“Yeah,” Eggsy huffed at the memory.  He was close to sending Charlie out for the day.

*****

Being back at Hogwarts didn’t do anything to help Eggsy’s mood.  As he walked out of his room, he greeted Roxy with a rigid smile.

“What’s wrong?”  Roxy studied Eggsy’s, but there wasn’t anything unusual.

“Slept like shit.  Room sucks.”

Roxy didn’t comment.  They arrived at Hogwarts last night and were led to their sleeping quarters.

“And it wasn’ because of ‘im,” he spoke through a yawn.

“I didn’t say anything.”

“Your concern,” Eggsy sighed and turned to face Roxy.

The witch pursed her lips, wanting to word this correctly.  “You’re my friend.  I have a right.  And I know it’s been years, but last time you were like that-”

“I know how I acted. ‘M not happy with it.  But I-”

“Eggsy, I love you, but you have to stop being strong.  You can feel hurt.  It-”

“’S not right, Rox.”  Eggsy kept his voice quiet, not wanting to catch anyone’s attention.  “I need to move on.”

“You’re so daft.  Do you think I let you vent to me because I felt like I had to?  I did because you’re my friend and I wanted to.  You know me!  I would have kicked sense into you years ago.”  Roxy reached out and clasped her hands on Eggsy’s arms.

“But I’m not allowed.  I have to-”

“I swear if you say provide for your family again, I will hex you.”  And she meant it.  It was the argument they have had since leaving Hogwarts. 

His mum told his numerous time they didn’t need all his help.  But he didn’t have anything but his family and helping them made him feel like he had worth—that he wasn’t a throwaway.

“It’s what I’m meant to do.”

“Look, Eggsy, I know I’ve said you have to move on, and it’s true.  You can’t live your life based on that man’s words.”  She discovered early on that speaking the professor’s name caused Eggsy to shut down.  Maybe he wouldn’t do it now, but they were a routine now, she didn’t want to break any progress they built.

“’S hard not to,” Eggsy murmured, looking down at his shoes.

Roxy frowned and tighten her grip.  Eggsy never got closure and that made forgetting the rejection worse.  Months afterward, Eggsy threw himself into the training.  He refused to show emotion until one day he showed up on Roxy’s doorstep, crying.

 “Need somethin’—someone to care for.  After the divorce, I was able to step up and not be tha’ student that pretended tha’ I didn’ know how much my mum was strugglin’.”

Roxy remained silent, she knew how much Eggsy’s family had struggled and she understood why Eggsy was doing what he thought was right.   It wasn’t.  He was relying on that as his only source of worth.  She felt sick when she would hear that.

“I know ‘s not right, but I can’ put my heart out there again.  My family loves me and tha’s all I need.  And you too, Rox.  I wouldn’ be here without you.  Well, not here.”  He gestured around the hallway.

The witch gave a tight smile.  There was only so much she could do to help Eggsy forward, now she just had to be there for him.

“Okay, Eggsy.  Just remember that I’m here and find me when things get hard.”

“Like running into Charlie?” Eggsy joked with a smirk, leaving all his emotions behind the mask.

“Exactly.”  Roxy chuckled, but it was forced and Eggsy knew it too.  He didn’t say anything and pulled her down the hall to start patrol.

*****

Their first week back went by quickly.  Eggsy was happy he didn’t run into Harry.  There were a few close calls, but Harry either went into a classroom, or Eggsy ran around a corner.  He knew it was childish and he promised himself that he would deal facing Harry again with maturity, but after his talk with Roxy, he needed time.

The four Aurors sat around a table in an empty classroom.  They were going over their first week and Eggsy was already tempted to jinks Charlie.  The git was going on and on about his time back and how the professors were happy to see him.  Fucking liar.

“Charlie, we’re all supposed to share,” Roxy snapped, cutting off a story about how Professor King asking Charlie to help with a History of Magic lesson.  “And we are not supposed to help with lessons.”

“She’s right,” Poppy chimed in, placing down her cup of tea.

“Fine.  Who wants to go?”  Charlie fell back in his chair, arms crossed.  “How about you, Eggsy?”

Eggsy gritted his teeth and suppressed an eye roll at Charlie’s sulking voice.

“Problem, Charlie?  Hate sharing?”

“You’re doing a lot of talk about sharing, how about you grace us.”

This is why this assignment was the worst, aside from seeing Harry.”

“Well, unlike ass kissing, I did-”

“Ass kissing?” Charlie reared.  “What about Hart?”

Eggsy stood up, reaching for his wand, Charlie mirroring his movement.”

“Will you two sit the fuck down?” Roxy growled and grabbed Charlie’s arm as Poppy wrapped a hand around Eggsy’s.

“It’s his fault.”  Charlie glared and pointed to Eggsy.  “The dirty peb-”

“Charlie, shut up, or I’ll do it for you,” Roxy threating.  Eggsy wasn’t sure but he swore he saw a flicker of fear in the wizard’s eyes.

“How about I go?” Poppy asked, breaking the tense silence.

“No,” Charlie sneered.  “It’s Unwin’s turn.  Let him bore us with his day.”

“Charlie-”

“‘S fine Rox.  I’ll share.”  His eyes were narrowed, but didn’t leave Charlie’s.

“How is Professor Hart?”

Eggsy eyed shot daggers at the wizard in front of him.  “I don’t know.  You tell use, Hesketh.”

“What are you saying, Unwin?”

“Nothin’.  You just seem very close with the professors.”  He heard Roxy groan.  Poppy smartly stayed quiet.

“Wouldn’ know.  Didn’ see ‘im.”  That was a lie.  If Eggsy saw him them Charlie for sure saw him.

“Right,” Eggsy chuckled.  “By your story, you basically talked to everyone.”

“Except Hart.  Probably spent all his time with you.”

“Wha’s that supposed to mean.”

“Eggsy,” Roxy moaned, but Eggsy ignored her.  He knew he was feeding into Charlie, but he didn’t like the way Charlie was rubbing salt into his wounds.  Charlie for sure didn’t know what happened, but it wasn’t a secret that Harry favoured Eggsy, which was an ugly and disgusting lie.

“Wasn’t a secret that Hart liked you.”

“So?  Neva meant anythin’.”

Charlie’s face lighted up.  “You mean it was pity.  Wow.”  He gasped in mock shock.

“Get bent, Charlie,” Eggsy snared.

“I’m just trying to get to the truth.”

“Charlie,” Poppy finally spoke up.  “Stop it.  It’s not important.

“This work, Charlie,” Roxy gritted out.  “You two are acting like children.”

“Why are you attacking both of us?”

“It’s not attacking when it’s true.  Both you and Eggsy.”  She turned to glare at her friend.  It was hard to be on his side when he acted like this.  Just ignore Charlie.

“Well, if he didn’t-”

“Shove off, Charlie.”  He took a deep breath before walking out the room.  He thought he heard Roxy groaning, but he didn’t care right now.

The halls were deserted, having been past curfew.  It was peaceful for Eggsy, well as peaceful it could be in the place he never wanted step food in again.

He didn’t care what was said.  He spent years at school dealing with Charlie and had the unfortunate luck of working with Charlie.

His words weren’t new.  He took every chance in school to hint at Eggsy and Harry’s closeness.  After everything that went down with Harry, he never wanted that shit brought up.   He just wanted winter break to come so he could leave.  This time it wasn’t about Harry.  He wanted to be with his mum.  Oh, fuck it.  It would always be about Harry.

*****

Two days after his perpetuate episode, Eggsy and Roxy were walking down a hallway, making sure the students were going to the right class.  Since they were heading for October, almost all students knew where they were going.  A few times students would try to skip, but Roxy always caught them, while Eggsy just laughed.  It was like him when he was here.

“Your job is to help,” Roxy sighed heavily as she and Eggsy walked down the seventh floor.

“I am.  They jus’ remind me of me.”  Eggsy shrugged and smiled as Roxy rolled her eyes.

“Hope they end up like you.  Getting their ass in gear.”

Eggsy smirked, forcing the smile.  He really didn’t get his shit together until Harry.  And if it wasn’t for him, he probably wouldn’t be here—the job, not the school.  A sickening feeling curled up in him.  What if he was only Harry’s first student?  What if the wizard took on a student every year since he left?  Maybe he wasn’t special?  Harry made that clear, but being seventeen, he convinced himself that Harry only did it for him.

“Eggsy!  Eggsy!  Eggsy?”  He heard Roxy call out.

“Sorry?”

“You spaced out.  You okay?”  She grabbed Eggsy’s arm, gently turning him to face her, ignoring that they were blocking the staircase.

“Fine.”  Eggsy shrugged and started walking down the hall.

“Is it about Charlie?  Just-”

“Not about Charlie.  Jus’ thinkin’ back.  All so weird this time.”

Roxy didn’t reply when a tall boy approached them.  The boy looked nervous as he stopped in front of them.

“Are you Mister Unwin?” the boy asked, fiddling with his bookbag.

“Yes?” Eggsy answered more in a question.

The boy smiled brightly, causing Eggsy to furrow his brows.

“I’m Alex,” the boy replied, still smiling.

“How can I help?” Eggsy’s nerves lessened.  What could this kid do?  He never got people asking if he was him.

“You’re an Auror?”

Eggsy nodded and looked at Roxy who shrugged. 

“Well, I don’t want to bother you, but I’m looking at being an Auror-”

“That’s great,” Eggsy cut off, smiling.  He remembered when he thought about life outside of school.

“Thank you.”  The boy smiled, visibly relaxing.  “And I was talking to Professor Bowman, and she said it would be good if I did some research.”

Ah.  He got the same advice from his head of House which led to him probing Harry for any information he could give.

“And how can we help?”

“Can I ask you about the job?”

Eggsy was shocked.  Usually, it were other Aurors that got the honour.  Especially Charlie, who never let anyone forget it. 

“Sure, but I think Roxy would be better.”

The boy’s eyes turned to the witch, the same time she elbowed Eggsy hard in the arm.

“He’ll be happy to help.” She smiled and turned Eggsy to face the boy, who lit up.

“Really?  Thank you.  Most people think I can’t do it, even Professor Bowman

Professor Bowman was a bitch, Eggsy thought.  He got a similar reaction.  He had Harry to help prove everyone wrong.  He wondered if Alex had someone to help him.  Probably not.   He’d help this kid anyway he could.

“They said tha’ to me too.  And look where I am.”  He was trying to not sound obnoxious, but he wanted the young wizard to know that he could do it with a lot of hard work.

“That makes it better.”

Roxy stood silently, listening to Eggsy.  She smiled at how excited he sounded getting to help this boy.  

“Hello, Miss. Morton.” She heard, causing her to stiffen.  She glanced at Eggsy who went tense but kept talking to Alex.

Shit.  Poor Eggsy.  Slowly she turned around, smiling as much as she could manage.  “Professor Hart.”  She couldn’t see Eggsy’s reaction and she had to fight the urge to reach back to hold Eggsy’s hand.

“I had hoped to run into you soon.”

She knew Eggsy would shy away when Harry showed up, but not like this.

“Yes, it’s nice to be back.  How are you?”

She noticed Harry’s eyes flicker to Eggsy, who was still deep in conversation with Alex.  Luckily for Eggsy, he was not one to interrupt a discussion.  She felt the need to keep this short, even though Eggsy would keep at it until Harry left.

“Well.  A new year is always hard at first.  Figuring who may need more help or are brilliant.”

She could tell Eggsy’s hands were clenched.  He moved his hand to brush hers.  She knew Harry didn’t mean it like it came out, but comments like those always rubbed Eggsy the wrong way.

“Must be nice to have new students each year.”

“Ay, as a teacher, it’s refreshing.  I do however have to get to class.  Always lovely to see you, Miss Morton.”  His gaze fell on Eggsy for a second and then Roxy. 

“Have a nice class, Professor Hart,” Roxy smiled as the man walked away.

After a few minutes, Alex left for his class but thanked Eggsy so much the older wizard had a light blush.

They didn’t say anything as Eggsy dragged Roxy to his room.  They just closed the door before Eggsy fell to the floor, screwing his eyes shut.

“Eggsy?”  Roxy kneeled in front of him.

“‘M weak,” Eggsy mumbled as he turned from the door.

“No, you’re not.”

“Come off it, Rox.  I am!”

“No, you’re not,” Roxy said firmly.

“Wha’ you call a peb who can’ get over their teachers?”

“Eggsy, you were hurt.”  She moved to sit beside her friend, taking his hand in hers.

“My life.  And I still can’ get over it.”

“Because you finally trusted someone and they hurt you.”           

“‘S been four years, Rox.”  He turned his head to face Roxy.  “‘M 'supposed to be over this.”

“No, you don’t.  And don’t think you have to because of me.  Fuck that.”

Eggsy chuckled.  It wasn’t often Roxy swore.  “I know, but I just feel-”

“You didn’t get proper closure and it’s hard to move on when that doesn’t happen.  Maybe this will be what you need.  And remember I am here.”

Eggsy didn’t cry, he stopped crying over Harry long ago.  He only felt his heart being pulled out of his chest.

“You’re the best, Rox.  But I need to get over this, closure or not.  I need to move on to start my life and no, Roxy,” he sighed when he saw Roxy about to speak.  “I haven’ been livin’ it.  I need to do things for me as well.

The witch nodded and pulled the man in for a hug.  “You will have me.  Always.”

Eggsy nodded and tightened his hand on Roxy’s shirt.

*****

The following week was boring.  He made an effort to avoid Charlie and when it came to Harry, the tosser never approached him.  And he wasn’t about to find him.

There were a few times, but Eggsy always turned a corner before Harry came or Harry backtracked.  It was fine.  It wasn’t meant to be.  Seeing the man though sent him back to when they were together.  It was fine.  Seeing Harry before talking to him helped him prepare.

It’s been two weeks since Eggsy came and already he was ready to go.  It wasn’t about Harry—only a little bit—it was just boring.  They were here for extra security, but nothing happened for them to be needed.  Professor Valentine was just a paranoid bastard. 

“So,” Eggsy groaned as he walked out of the castle, “First Quidditch game.”  He was a little excited to see a match.  He always loved watching them, even though his house hadn’t been the best, and he doesn’t think anything has changed in four years.  Regardless, he was happy.

“I know you’re happy.  I am too.  It’s nice to be back with some familiarity,” she continued when she caught Eggsy’s confused look.

They took their seats, in front of Professor King, who was sitting next to Charlie. 

“It feels weird sittin’ here,” Eggsy admitted, looking over to the Hufflepuff crowed.  He missed being a student, cheering his team, even though they didn’t have the greatest track record.  They always just loved supporting them.  Roxy never cared for the sport but cheered for Eggsy’s house in support.

“It does.”  Roxy looked around the field.  “We’re not students and this makes it feel real.”

Eggsy was looking around at the students, hearing their excited buzz.  This was their first ever game.  They were required to sit in on every game, but it was a nice start to have Hufflepuff against Slytherin.  Though he always said Hufflepuff was where the ones that didn’t fit in the other houses went.  The spares, he always called it.

Roxy looked around before jumping up.  “Shoot,” she examined.  “I forgot… Something.”  She didn’t give a chance to reply.

“Wha’ the hell?” he muttered under his breath.  He watched Roxy disappear down the stands.  The game was about to start and she was leaving him.  “Really, Roxy?”  He was excited he could finally watch a game while he was working, but he was alone.

“Good morning, Eggsy.”

Eggsy tensed up, feeling his blood run cold.  Fuck, this day was not happening.  He slowly turned to see Harry Hart taking up Roxy’s seat. 

_Thanks, Rox._

“Professor Hart,” he nodded curtly, finding his throat go dry.

“You and Miss. Morton seems excited.”

Eggsy took a quick glance at Harry before snapping his attention back to the field.  He made the mistake of looking at the man he avoided for years.  Not like it was too hard, but being here and right by Harry, well Roxy was going to get it when they were alone.

“Ay.  Never been on this side,” he replied lamely.  What the fuck Eggsy?  You’re an Auror!  Act like one.

“I too feel a thrill when my former house plays.  It takes me back.”

“Mm.”  Eggsy nodded.  He doubted Harry was interested in this game.  His house wasn’t playing until next week.  “Guess you’ll ‘ave to wait,” he tried to joke, but it sounded flat.  Harry apparently didn’t hear it or ignored it as he chuckled.

“I’ll just have to.”

Eggsy wondered if he could put more distance between them without Harry noticing.  He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t realize the game had started until he heard the Slytherins cheering.

“Fuck,” he muttered before freezing.  He wasn’t a student.  He glanced at Harry from the corner of his eye, smirking.  He felt his heat creep up his neck. 

He felt like this game was going on forever.  It was only ten minutes, but trying not to make movement was harder than watching Hufflepuff struggle.  Both were unavoidable, but he’d take losing so he could go back to his room.

Slytherin scored, pulling them to 70-30.  He didn’t know why he was so invested.  His House hasn't won the Quidditch Cup in ten years.  His first year they made it to the end, but Ravenclaw won.  And in his fourth year, they made it to the end, only to be defeated by Gryffindor, most likely to Harry’s enjoyment. 

Instead of watching the game, he watched the students, smiling as they buzzed with excitement.  It was times like these that he wished he was back at school.  There was another loud cheer, but Eggsy didn’t turn to see.  It was most likely Slytherin.

“Your team is closing the gap.”

Eggsy’s head turned to the young Ravenclaw announcing the score.  They did get a goal.  Eggsy thinned his lips but didn’t react.

“Hopefully, Hufflepuff wins.”

“Thought a teacher couldn’t show favouritism.”  Fuck!  He didn’t mean to phrase it like that.  Apparently, he was still bitter.

Harry either didn’t hear the double meaning or chose to ignore it.  Knowing him though, it was the former.

“Even teachers have favourites,” Harry supplied. 

_What the fuck?_

“Yeah,” Eggsy muttered glumly.  Being around Harry without Roxy was torture.  He heard Charlie talking with Professor King.  At least he was having fun. 

They were silent again, which allowed Slytherin to score again.

“At least your House is better,” Eggsy said without realizing that he said it out loud.  Will he ever learn to control his tongue?

Harry still didn’t turn to Eggsy when he spoke.  “I’d rather not compare teams.  One game doesn’t pave the path for the season.”

“It’s okay Harry, you can admit Hufflepuff is hopeless.”  He tried to keep his tone light, giving a small smile.

“As a teacher, we cannot lower other houses,” he said turning to face Eggsy.  “But we can have a team.”  The young wizard met the ex-Auror’s eyes.  He felt his heart speed up and the breath leave his lungs.

Someone scored, but Eggsy felt like he was in a haze.  He was suddenly seventeen and wanted nothing more than to have the man’s attention.  He wondered what Harry was thinking.  Was he remembering that night, the night that had haunted Eggsy’s dreams for a better part of a year after he left?  Was he remembering how much of a fool Eggsy had been—still is apparently?

The spell was broken when loud cries erupted over the field.  Eggsy blinked several times and quickly turned away. 

“Looks like you House won,” Harry said, pulling Eggsy from his self-loathing.

To his surprise, Hufflepuff had won, but he was in no mood to celebrate.  All he wanted to do was to get away from Harry and find Roxy.  Instead of acknowledging Harry, he shot up and made his way down to the ground.

******

He couldn’t do this.  He can’t do this.  Seeing Harry and talking to his were two very different things.  He was fine with seeing Harry walking by in the halls.  But talking, he never wanted that again.  He was being childish though.  He wanted to show Harry he didn’t have a hold on him.  But he did, and he hated himself for still wanting Harry’s approval.  He needed to know that Harry really thought he could succeed and not feel like he had to pay a debt to Eggsy’s dad.

He walked down the hall to his room when he spotted Roxy, reading a book and walking.

“Oy, Roxy.”  He jogged to catch her.

“Eggsy,” she smiled and closed her book.  “How are you?”

“You know how I am.  Where were you?”  He crossed his arms, squaring his stance.

“I had to get-”

“Bullshit,” he cut off.  “We had the day off.  You jus’ left.  Leavin’ me with ‘Arry.  And I know you saw him.”

The witch sighed, shifting her book to her other hand.  “I just thought—you have to talk to Harry.  You can’t just pass him silently.”

“Maybe tha’s all I wan’.”  He knew he wasn’t being fair, but after today, he didn’t want a repeat.

“Well, you can’t.  I know this isn’t easy, especially how Harry acts towards you.  You need closure and I think You-”

“And how do you thin’ I do tha’?  I can’ go to Harry and demand an apology.”

The woman rolled her eyes and gripped her book tightly.  “Try to act normal around Harry.  Show him you’re the better person.  I feel like I’ve said this before,” she muttered the last part under her breath.  “And try to get a conversation where you can get answers.”

“Roxy!”  He grinned.  “I didn’ know you were so cunnin’.”

“Please.  Do you want answers or not?  And you’re no better.”

The boy hummed.  He had a reputation for going against the rules, something Merlin shouted at him weekly.

“I’ll do it.”

“Were you even questioning it?”

No. “I feel bad, but, I don’.  Tha’ makes senses?”

“It does.  You still care for him.”  She saw Eggsy’s offended look and scoffed.  “Oh, come off it.  You do.  You may not feel it, but it’s there.  You just admitted it.”

“This is all so confessing.”  The young wizard pulled at his hair.  He hated how Roxy saw right through him.  He couldn’t hide anything from her.

“But you need this Eggsy.  You can’t live like this.  Don’t hurt him, but don’t let him pull you back.  You trusted him and-”

“And tha’ went tits up.  Learned tha’ the hard way.”

“Eggsy,” she said warningly.

“I know tha’s not wha’ you meant, Roxy.  But I did learn that I can’ count on anyone.  ‘Cept you.”

Roxy frowned.  She hated seeing Eggsy so down.  It never happened until someone mentioned Harry.  Luckily, Eggsy never clued his mum in on his crush.  He didn’t need her sympathetic smile or face of disgust if she ever heard that her son was crushing on a thirty-seven—well now forty-year-old professor. 

Maybe he was crazy to think Harry would ever be interested in a boy twenty years younger than he.  And why was he so hard up on him?  Harry made his intentions very clear and Eggsy owed it to himself to move on and not have Harry hold him down.  He needed to move one.  He needed Harry to give him one last thing.

*****

The next week went by with no issues.  To be honest, this was the worst part or this job.  He’d rather have nothing to do in his office than be here.

“And we hav’ three months of this?”

“Be thankful it’s not the full year,” Roxy said, sounding defeated.  It was no secret that they both hated this part of the job.

“True.”

They had the day off as it was a Hogsmeade trip.  They were currently at the Three Broomsticks, enjoying their alone time.  They looked around to see students laughing with their friends or trying to find a spot.

“It’s nice being back here,” Roxy mused as she looked back to Eggsy.

“It is.  Haven’ been here since leavin’.”  Eggsy pursed his lips and hummed.  He was happy here, but he wanted to go and do work away from here. 

“But,” Roxy prompted when she saw the distance look in the wizard’s eyes.

Eggsy thinned his lips and leaned back in his chair before falling forward again.  “Am I the only tha’ wants to leave, or do you?”

Roxy stared at Eggsy for a moment, confused by the question.  “Not really.  I do want to get this over with so we can do something else, but this our job now.”

“I jus’ feel like this is borin’.  I wan’ this to move faster.”

“And this be-”

“It’s not ‘bout Harry, Roxy.  It’s jus' nothin’ here.”  Okay, it was about Harry, but only a small part.  There were a few other reasons, but if he told Roxy, she’d say it was covering Harry.  Being around Harry has gotten easier.  He no longer felt like crying or hiding.  His presence wasn’t an easy thing to deal with, but he was managing.

“I didn’t say-”

“I know you were.  And yeah, I know I haven’ his it, but…” he trailed off and shrugged. 

What was there to say?  He was over Harry, but the man still affected him.  It was hard to move on when the man that ripped you up was around every fucking corner.  He needed out to have closure.  He thought he needed it to be said, but just seeing Harry allowed him to accept that he jumped with his feelings for Harry.  He knew he put Harry in an uncomfortable position and it was his fault they were like this.  He needed to leave for Harry’s sake.

Roxy didn’t speak after that, just studying the far-off look Eggsy had.  She had called his name three times, Eggsy still remained out of it.  She always worried when Eggsy got that look.  In the past years that look meant he closed in his mind and would beat himself up.  But he was doing so well lately.  Was he just acting?  Or was he thinking of something else?

“Eggsy?” she tried again, but Eggsy only moved his glass, sliding it back and forth on the wooden table.

 _Should I apologize?_ Eggsy thought.  Harry was always for admitting that you were wrong.  Was Harry expecting it now that he was here?   Eggsy felt his head hurt.  He wasn’t meant to think like that way.  He spent too much time on Harry—still was.  Why was it so hard?  He was over Harry.  So he told himself.  Will he ever be over the man that haunted his thoughts?

He could lie.  He could lie well and Roxy would believe.  He could go and lie to himself that he was over Harry.  He was at fault, so mad he wasn’t allowed to.  Roxy would argue that he did nothing wrong and he believed her for the past years, but being back and seeing Harry, he finally saw that it was his fault.  How inappropriate it was for a student to tell their professor they loved him.  That had to have made Harry feel uncomfortable and violated that he did abuse Harry’s help.  Harry was right all those years ago.  He misread everything.

“So, will you be at the next game?” Eggsy asked, making Roxy jump.

“I was at the game; Professor Hart just took my seat.”

“Get off it, Rox.  Bein’ on the grounds doesn’ mean you was there.”

Roxy let out a heavy breath.  “Fine.  I left so you could talk to Professor Hart.  I was wrong and I’m sorry I pushed you.”

“‘S right.  I needed it,” he begrudgingly admitted.  He probably would have taken longer to work up the courage to talk to Harry.

“I still shouldn’t have pushed.”

“Nah.  Needed tha’ kick in the arse.  I guess I should thank you.”

“Stop it, Eggsy.” 

Roxy was silent for a moment.  Eggsy turned his head, eyes landing on a group of friends, laughing at something one of the blokes said.  He really missed when he was a student.  Life was simpler.

“The next game will be Saturday,” Roxy finally said and Eggsy knew what she meant.

“Yeah.    Gryffindor and Ravenclaw.  Should be happy.”

“Mmm,” Roxy mummed and then smiled.  “And Professor Hart.”  It was always known when teachers’ old houses were playing.  Usually the old Gryffindors and Slytherins.  Professors didn’t even try to hide it.  Harry did.  He would always talk to Eggsy about the games though.  He would always show his detest for Slytherin if they won.   It wasn’t a secret that Gryffindor and Slytherin had a rivalry, unlike the other houses.

“Yeah.  Him too.”  Eggsy tried to keep his voice monotone.  He really didn’t care, but he didn’t want to sit next to Harry again.  One time was enough for a while.  He could just talk to him in the halls instead


	2. Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year's everyone!!!!! 
> 
>  
> 
> All mistakes are mine. I know there must be some.

The air was crisp and breezy.  Eggsy pulled his collar closer to his neck, trying to shield himself from the harsh gust of wind. 

Harry shifted in his seat, causing Eggsy to glance to the professor, but turned back to the field before Harry saw.  Though, he was sure that the teacher saw.  Harry was always attentive.  He turned and glared at Roxy, who has sat two benches from him, next to the new charms professor.  She didn’t even tell him.  As soon as he sat, Roxy walked up to sit by Professor Stewart, leaving him to sit next to Harry.   _Again_. 

It’s only been five minutes and yet Eggsy hasn’t said anything to Harry, neither he.  He was tempted to cut the silence, but Harry beat him to it.

“How are you, Eggsy?”  the man glanced at Eggsy, who was struggling to keep his eyes on the game.

Fuck it.  He has no control.  His breath hitched when he took in Harry’s appearance.  He wanted to bit his lip when he caught sight of Harry’s gloved hands.  He always had a weird thing for Harry’s hands—Roxy didn’t even know—and seeing them covered in leather wasn’t good for his heart.

He reached for his neck, pushing past his open collar.  He wanted to groan it frustration when he only touched his chilly flesh.  His fingers danced down his throat, hoping that he would hit the medal he hasn’t put on since that night.   It was a habit he had developed in his first year.  Whenever he was nervous or uncomfortable, he grabbed his medal—the medal Harry gave him years ago.  Which also made the memory of how much he dependant on it sour.  Which was why it still laid on the bottom of his trunk four years later.

“Good,” he answered, blushing at Harry’s smirk.  Shit.  He probably saw him checking him out.  Even though it was fast, with Eggsy’s luck, Harry saw and wasn’t afraid to show it.  “You?  How are the students?”  Really?  He should write a book on how to convey small talk.

Harry chuckled and Eggsy felt his breath hitch.  He wasn’t supposed to fall for Harry again, but being around the man reminded him why he loved him.  Loves him?  Loving him again?  Anyway, he just wanted to hear Harry’s voice.

“Well, I guess.  It’s always a challenge each year.”

Eggsy nodded and thinned his lips as he studied the wizard.  He wondered if Harry ever thought about him when he was dealt with a problemed student.  Did he give them the same help and treatment?  Was there someone that Harry helped with more than him?  Probably not.  Harry had told him that he took Eggsy in to repay his father’s sacrifice. 

He felt a knot form in his throat at the memory of Harry telling him that he didn’t help with his struggles because he wanted to.  No, he had to.  It’s why Eggsy basically locked himself away from having a social life.  He wanted to prove to himself and Harry that he could do it without help.  Harry didn’t know until he saw him and Roxy back on their first visit.

“Still givin’ ‘em the after-school one-on-one tutor session?” the young wizard joked, but his heart hammered at the thought that he wasn’t Harry’s only student.

Harry gave him a questioning look, furrowing his brows as he searched Eggsy’s face for any sign of what he was feeling.  He had a cheeky grin, but Harry knew it was forced.

“No one yet,” Harry replied, and regretted it when he saw Eggsy’s smile falter for a second.  The young man let out a forced laugh and still gave him the fake smile.

Eggsy felt his heart drop at Harry’s answer.  He chuckled, hoping it sounded convincing.  He didn’t know why he felt hurt.  He wanted to be the only on to have Harry’s help, but on the other hand, that meant no one showed so poorly in his class to need his help.  His head hurt.  Why couldn’t he have one opinion when it came to an answer?

“Well, I don’t know if that’s good or bad,” the young wizard tried to joke.  His chuckle was forced, but he hoped Harry didn’t catch it.

The crowd cheered as Gryffindor scored, but Harry just frowned at Eggsy.  Eggsy was the one and only he took in.  Yes, he did help his students with extra help, but the arrangement he had with Eggsy was….  It did start as a gift to Eggsy’s father, but after the first year of him helping, he wanted Eggsy to succeed for Eggsy.  Wanted him to feel like he was worth more than having to honour his father.

He was proud of Eggsy when he said he wanted to be an Auror.  Though Eggsy wanted to honour his father, his success was his own doing.  And then Harry tore all that down.  He destroyed Eggsy’s confidence in one speech.  He could see Eggsy’s self-esteem crumble in that moment and he wanted to take it back.  He did believe in Eggsy, even without honouring Lee’s memory.  But he was so mad at Eggsy for putting him in that situation.

It wasn’t until the last year that he felt more for Eggsy, which was wrong.  He was Eggsy’s professor.  He was supposed to be his protector.  He wasn’t allowed to have Eggsy.  Then Eggsy faced him with his worst nightmare.

He destroyed Eggsy, but he couldn’t apologize.  Not then.  He was so ashamed of himself for what he did to the boy.  He was so happy when he marked Eggsy’s papers.  He was glad that his words didn’t drag Eggsy down to how he found him.

He wondered if Eggsy did become an Auror.  It wasn’t until he was at the Auror office, visiting Merlin who teased him that he had his ‘favourite’ student working for him.

Harry wanted to buff off Merlin’s tease, but he was shocked to find out that Eggsy did follow through on his plans.  Harry smiled, happily that Eggsy didn’t let his stupidity drag him down.

He then felt the need to tell his friend what he had said to Eggsy.  He didn’t want to, but it had weighted him down since Eggsy left.  Merlin was conflicted with siding with Harry but also felt the urge to tear into Harry.  He ended up agreeing with Harry that he couldn’t do anything but reject Eggsy’s affection, but that was where it stopped.  Harry had never seen the wizard so angry.  Merlin laid into him and questioned if he had been dropped on his head.

Merlin had to admit that Harry did the right thing, but did not handle it well.  He felt a pang of sympathy when he saw Eggsy next time.  He knew Eggsy’s background and knew what his friend said crushed him.  He felt a little prouder when Eggsy showed no sign of his past.  Harry’s past with Eggsy.

“Your House is winning,” Eggsy broke the stare, nodding to the field where Gryffindor had scored again, bringing the score to 50-30.  What the fuck?  How much time passed?

Harry hummed and glanced at the game.  Suddenly, he wanted to leave.  Eggsy was being too kind for his own good.  He could tell it was an act, but Eggsy felt like he owed Harry.

*****

Eggsy steps were loud in the deserted hallway.  He looked around, but everything was quiet.  The students have been dismissed just an hour ago, leaving Eggsy bored until dinner.

He really didn’t get this part of the job.  They honestly didn’t have anything to supervise.  They were only here because Professor Valentine was a paranoid arse.  The only perk this time was they were only there until Christmas break.

He stopped in front of a closed, wooden door.  Eggsy knocked twice and waited for a quiet ‘Enter’ before pushing the door open.

Fuck.  He paused as he stepped into the room.  His hand tightened his grip on the knob.  He didn’t realize that he had just walked into the DADA classroom and Harry sat at his desk.

“Ah, Eggsy.  What a surprise.” 

The ex-Auror sounded just as shocked as he felt.  He looked around the room, biting his lip.  He hasn’t been in here since his last class.  The place looked the same.  Usually, professors would change up their rooms after each year.  Harry hasn’t.  Or at least nothing he could see.  There were the needed supplies for the next lesson, but those would be gone once Harry was done with them.

“Haven’ changed much,” Eggsy said, walking closer to Harry’s desk as he looked around.

“Not much needed changing,” Harry supplied, fixing his eyes on Eggsy’s movements.  He wondered what Eggsy was thinking.  He hasn’t seen the boy—man in here since he dismissed his class for the very last time.

Eggsy thinned his lips and nodded.  He turned his head to Harry, feeling his heart speed up.  He really didn’t know why he came here.  Habit, maybe?  He hasn’t been here on his own since that time where he asked Harry if they could go back to their sessions.  It felt like the room was closing in on him and he was feeling anxious.

“Near Halloween,” Eggsy pulled a thin smile.  He didn’t know why he said that.  He just said the first thing that came to mind and it was the most pointless topic.  Of course, Harry knew Halloween was close.  It was two days away.

“Indeed,” Harry acknowledged, looking back at his parchment.

Eggsy rocked on the balls of his feet, watching as Harry scribbled something down.  He could feel the tension, but he needed to say something.  Right?  He couldn’t ignore Harry.  But then again, he didn’t think he would see Harry after this.  Maybe at times when he visited Merlin.  He could be friendly then.

He didn’t have a chance to before Harry broke the tense silence.

“I was wondering if you would come here.”  Harry clasped his hands on his desk, leaning forward.

Eggsy schooled his face.  He was wondering if Harry was thinking about him coming here.  Did he want to see Eggsy in here again?

As much as he loved his time in this room, after that night he never wanted to step foot in here again.  He had to, of course.  But as soon as he was done, he never wanted to be in here again.  Then why?

As soon as he walked in, he was haunted by the words that were exchanged all those years ago.  Though it had only been four years, it felt much longer.  He didn’t know why he thought Harry would reciprocate his feeling.  He just never thought Harry would make the worst time of the year basically unbearable now.   It wasn’t that he didn’t celebrate the holiday.  He just didn’t decorate his home.  He never had his family or friends over.  He would go over to their houses.

Roxy still tried to make Eggsy love Christmas again, and have his flat as festive as he had made his mum’s back when he was still there.  Roxy decorated his. It never worked.

One year, Roxy brought a tree for him and he threatened to burn it, so she never tried that anymore.  In the past, he tried to celebrate Christmas without thinking after his dad’s death.  It was hard, but not impossible.  Then Harry stole what little spirit he had.  He still bought gifts, trying to throw on a smile.

Ryan and Jamel didn’t know anything.  He never told them, just like his mum.  Roxy and… Harry were the only ones to know of his fuck up.

“Figure I should,” Eggsy shrugged as he walked over to the desk.  He didn’t have to, he reminded himself since coming back to school.  But it seemed he could only stay strong for about a month.

“Well, it’s a pleasant surprise,” Harry said, pushing up from his chair a stepped around the desk.

Eggsy felt his throat go dry.  Is was the first time he’s been this close to the older wizard without other people around.  He wished he wasn’t alone.  He had a suspicion that he would do something stupid.  The last two times he was here alone, he made a wanker of himself.  There was that one time when Harry found him going to the library.  But that didn’t count.  They weren’t in Harry’s classroom.

“Jus’ though’ I should-” he cut himself off, trying to find the right words. “See my old class,” he finally said, making it sound more like a question.

Luckily, Harry ignored it.  He didn’t believe that Harry didn’t notice.  The man never missed anything.

“I’m sure it’s surreal being back here—not as a student.”

Eggsy nodded and chanced a glance into Harry’s eyes.  The man held his stare, making Eggsy feel like he was being laid over.  Harry was reading everything he was hiding.

“Did ya feel weird?  When you came back to teach?”

“It was,” Harry admitted, tearing his eyes away.  He glanced at his desk and felt as if Harry was thinking about the day he came back.

“Must hav’ been weird stain’ here.  Not leavin’.”  That was the only reason he could talk to Harry.  He wouldn’t have to see Harry each school year.

“It was.  For the first two years,” the ex-Auror admitted.  “If I was being honest, I would have liked to have retired far later than this.”

Eggsy watched Harry look at his office door.  He never knew why Harry had retired so early.  He knew what the Prophet published, and what Harry told him were lies.  That was one of the few things Harry wouldn’t tell him.

Maybe he didn’t know Harry as well as he thought.  Harry was allowed to hide things, but there was the thought that Harry only shared what he was willing to part with.  And when you are an ex-Auror at thirty-two, you wanted to.

“Yeh,” Eggsy mumbled, not sure what to say.  He was afraid to say more and make Harry think he’s going too far again.  “I guess you didn’ hav a chose?”  At least that was what the Prophet had said and what Harry had alluded to.  He didn’t think Harry would be the kind of just leave on his own.

Harry turned back to Eggsy, frowning, looking like he wanted to say something.  His board into Eggsy’s eyes and he felt paralyzed.

“Yes,” was all Harry said.  But Eggsy knew there was more.  Harry’s answer didn’t sound finished, but the man was ending it.

“Sorry,” Eggsy grimaced.  He knew he was causing Harry to feel uncomfortable.  He was only trying to make conversation, but he took it too far.  Just like always.  “Didn’ mean-”

“It’s alright, Eggsy,” Harry cut him off, smiling again.  He was probably faking it, but Eggsy couldn’t tell.  Not like him.  You could always tell when Eggsy was faking it.

“Righ’.  I should go. Find Roxy.”

Harry just nodded and bid Eggsy a good night, which was how the younger wizard knew he fucked up again.

Harry watched as his former student leave the room.  He felt guilt creep into him.  Even since the time Eggsy confessed, Harry never felt comfortable with sharing such things with anyone else.  Especially, Eggsy.  He knew it wasn’t fair, but he was worried Eggsy still felt things for him.

He would be lying if he said that Eggsy wasn’t attractive.  He grew into a good-looking man, but he still saw him as his student.  And he felt dirty when he let his mind wander a little deep into his dark thoughts.

He wanted to call Eggsy back.  He wanted to talk more.  He wanted to have their little chats again.   He knew Eggsy was hurt when he said he didn’t take on another student.  It wasn’t what he meant, but Eggsy took it as nobody needed as much help as he.  In actuality, he didn’t connect with a student like Eggsy.  But, he was worried that it was only because he was Lee’s son.  He was also nervous to take on another student and face a repeat.

Merlin said his fears were arrogant and laughed.  It was a fear, but it didn’t really grow until Eggsy returned.  Even when He first came a few years ago.  He helped Eggsy by avoiding him too.  Not as much as the boy.  He didn’t miss how Eggsy ran into random classrooms or turn around.

He wished he could talk to Eggsy like they used to, but he knew that Eggsy and he knew that hope wasn’t possible, despite if feelings have changed.

*****

After Halloween, Harry and Eggsy did continue to talk but never in the classroom.  Harry was worried about what he would do.  Eggsy wanted to avoid the room that brought the worst memories he ever endured.  Not even when his mum married Dean.  He took the abuse but having the one person you trusted cut you down, it wasn’t forgettable.

Roxy always teased him that he wasn’t hiding his feelings from Harry.  Despite how much he wanted to hate Harry, he couldn’t.  And what was wrong with showing it?  He had until Christmas break and then he never had to step foot into the castle ever again.  Well, until Merlin said they were due.  But with how this has gone, it would be a few years and maybe he would be in a relationship.

“I can’ do it, Rox,” Eggsy snapped as he passed the length of the witch’s room.  It was late at night and no longer being a student was a fuck you to curfew.  If he was in school, he probably would still be out, but being more careful.  Now, he didn’t care. If he got ‘caught’ and was sent back, he wouldn’t care.  Which were the reasons for his visit.

“Eggsy, calm down.”  She rolled her eyes and sat on her bed. 

It’s been the same conversation for the past twenty minutes and they were getting nowhere.    Well, Roxy tried, but she wasn’t cracking Eggsy.  She still didn’t know how or what started this freakout.

After dinner, Eggsy grab her and went to her room.  Yeah, not his.  She couldn’t leave and she was tempted to actually do it.

“I can’ calm down!  ‘M in Hell.  Wha’ the hell was Merlin thinkin’.”

“He was thinking that you are an Auror and this is your job.  Honestly, Eggsy, like he would know and avoid sending you here.”

“You don’ know tha’!  Marlin and Harry are mates.  Harry probably told him and was jus’ waitin’ for the  righ’ time to send me.”

Roxy furrowed her brows and shifted to the edge of the bed. “I doubt Merlin knows and would do this as a punishment for Harry.  Harry doesn’t seem like the t…yep,” She trialled when she realized what she just said and Eggsy’s face was crushed.

“So, did I.  Look wha’ happened.  Got shit on and tossed out.  Tellin’ Merlin is not above him.”

“Eggsy,” she sighed and reached for the wizard’s hand but he moved away.  “Where is this coming from?  Yesterday you were acting fine around Harry.  And Now… I just don’t know.”

“Called pretendin’, Rox and I can’ do this anymore.  ‘M done.  I’m tired of bein’ around the man I hate and act like I’m over his words.”

“No one is asking you to act-”

“I know,” Eggsy snapped and turned on Roxy before dropping his head in his hands.  “But I can’ act like I’m still affected by it.  He told me I was childish. If I show tha’ I’m still not over it, he’ll continue to think m' pathetic.”

Roxy was silent for a long moment, not sure what to say that would comfort the wizard.  She realized that nothing would until he was away from here.

“Eggsy, I want to help you, but you aren’t making it easy.  So, what can I do?”

“Nothin’.  You can’ help.  I jus' want to go.  Leave here and never return.  If I hav’ to quit, I’ll do it.”

The witch rolled her eyes and watch Eggsy pace again.  “First of all, stop being dramatic.  Harry and his words from years ago should not get in the way of your job.  Stop analyzing things.  I’m sorry you are going through this but is Harry worth it?  He duped you at a time where you needed him and here you are.  Without him.  You did this.  For your family.  Not Harry.”

Eggsy felt heat rise over his face.  He smiled sheepishly as he ducked his head.  “Thanks, Rox.”

“But…” The young woman dragged out and crossed her arms.  Eggsy was shifting on his feet, which was never a good sign.

“’But’ wha’?  Tha’s it.”

“Bullshit!” 

Roxy usually never swore, except when she was made.  Shit.

“Don’t lie.  You’re not telling me something.”

Eggsy started pacing before stopping on the other side of the room.  He didn’t need to see her disappointment.  Harry’s look was enough to haunt him for years.

“You're gonna be pissed at me.”

Roxy rolled her eyes, but the young man didn’t see.  “I’m always mad at you.  What’s the difference?

Eggsy sighed and squeezed his eyes.  “I did it for Harry.  Also.”

“Are you mental?” Roxy yelled and jumped up.

Eggsy’s cringed.  He knew he would get that reaction.  He was supposed to move on—and maybe it would be easier for people not from a broken family—but he couldn’t.  The one person he thought believed in him was only helping because he felt he owed his dead father.

“Oh, fuck off, Roxy.  Not like I didn’ try.  I can’.”  He turned around and glared at his friend.  She was always there for him in the beginning, but now she was getting tired.  Believe him, he was too.  Why he couldn’t he leave Harry’s words behind was a mystery.

No, it wasn’t.  It was love that was laughed at.

He’d rather be in a room alone with Dean, and deal with the verbal abuse, hell, even the physical abuse he gave.  He deserved them.  Harry was someone he trusted.  Who was there for him.  Or so he thought. 

Now, he just had Roxy.

“Okay, look,” Roxy sighed and walked over.  “I’m sorry.  I know what he said was hard on-”

“You don’ have to hide tha’ ’m pathetic and can’ do things for me.”

“Well, I know you said you became an Auror to prove to Harry, but be proud that you actually became one.  You are here because of all your hard work.  You may have done it for Harry, but you did it without his help.  You proved that you can do this and you don’t need him.”

“Thanks.  Still hard.  Though’ I was over’ it.  I am.  Jus’ being around Harry reminds me and suddenly I feel like ‘m now here but the seventeen-year-old who fuck everything up.”

“I know, but you are doing so well.  Only a month now.”

“I know, but I wan’ it done now.  I am so close to asking Merlin to let me back.”

“Not this again,” Roxy groaned and tipped her head back. 

“Yes, this again.  I jus’ can’ do it anymore.  I’ve tried but I jus’ can’.”

“Did something happen?”  She hasn’t seen Eggsy this worked up since before they came here.

“Went to Harry’s.  Which was stupid.  Been avoidin’ it, but I was talkin’ to Harry before, so I had to go.  Visit ‘im.  Only been there once and I neva wanted to go back.  Well, I did.  I jus’ was sent back and I had to stop from runnin’.”

“I can’t change this situation, but we only have a month.  Do you think you can make it?”

“No,” he answered truthfully.  He couldn’t but he had to.  “But it’s wha’ we hav’ to do.  Hold our emotions back.”

Roxy smiled sadly and nodded in agreement. It’s what they had to do. Eggsy never went on about Harry, except for few months they were home before going to training.  After that, she never heard her friend utter his name.  Now, it was like every other day.  Okay, Eggsy wasn’t that bad.  But it made her realize that he wasn’t over it.

“I should go to bed.  It’s late.”  It was Friday night, but that just meant he could sleep in and not be disturbed.

*****

The rest of the month went by uneventfully.  He still talked to Harry, but he didn’t go looking for Harry nor did he actively avoid the ex-Auror.

Before long, it was almost Christmas break and Eggsy was vibrating with excitement.  Not for the holiday, for leaving this place.

Roxy laughed when she found out that Eggsy had a countdown.

“’S not funny, Roxy.”

“I’m sorry,” the witch gasped, trying to catch her breath.  “It kind of is.”

“My pain is amusin’?”

“I’m sorry,” she repeated and rushed to catch Eggsy.  “I just never seen you this excited.  Is not seeing Harry again really that exciting?”

“Yes,” the Auror answered and walked down the hall, ignoring Roxy.  “I’m over ‘im.   Don’ worry.  It’ jus’  tha’ I don’ wan’ to be here and be reminded.”

“That still doesn’t make sense.  If you are over it, shouldn’t you be okay here?”

“It does.  To me,” Eggsy admitted lamely.  It probably didn’t make sense to all but him and that’s all that mattered.

“Well, if it helps.”

Eggsy just nodded and continued down the hall.  They only had two weeks left and they couldn’t go faster.  He no longer went to the Quidditch games.  He didn’t need to run into Harry.  The last game he went was fine until Harry sat beside him.  Of course, he was the professional he was.  Harry or Roxy didn’t need to know he nearly had a panic attack after.

This really shouldn’t be affecting him so much.  He was living his life without school just fine.  He proved Harry that he didn’t need his help.  He was strong on his own.  He was helping his mum and sister.  He was being the son he always should have been.

He really should write his mum.  He hasn’t talked to her since he left.  He always wrote her every week when he was in school.  Now, he wasn’t even being himself from London.

One thing his mum never knew was his crush.  She obviously didn’t know the fuck up, but he told her about Harry’s help.  If he were more open to his mum, he may have told her about his crush.  Scary.  Unlikely. 

He only had two weeks until he was home.  Until he was free.  Roxy reprimanded him for that one.  He wasn’t in school.  He was a grown man.  On a mission.  Not one that will be in his top favourites.

“Fuck,” the young wizard growled as he walked back into the castle.  It was still snowing and it was pissing Eggsy off.  He loved snow.  He loved Christmas.  He loved winter.  Today, no.   He wanted to be away from this place.  Away from this country.  He woke up in a foul mood and the weather wasn’t helping.

He went for a walk to clear his head, but freezing to death wasn’t helping. He didn’t know where Roxy was.  He avoided breakfast and went walking. 

“Eggsy,” a voice chirped, causing the young wizard to grit his teeth.  He didn’t know why he was so off, but today just wasn’t his day.

Eggsy turned around and bit back a snide remark as his eyes laid on Harry.  He didn’t want to be around people, especially Harry Hart.

“Professor Hart,” Eggsy smiled. He knew it was forced but he hoped Harry didn’t see it or comment.

“Eggsy,” Harry lightly chided as he stopped in front of him.  “Don’t look so startled.”

“Sorry.  Force of habit.”  He could never get used to Harry appearing.

Not really.  He only addressed Harry as Professor to his face.  It was easier that he had to be professional.

Harry smiled kindly, speeding Eggsy’s heart up in the process.  Yeah, he was over him, but that didn’t mean the man didn’t have an effect on him

“You’re almost done here.”

Obviously.  He was still counting down the days.

It was just so weird.  He was so confident in the field.  He knew what to do.  Dangerous missions excited him.  Harry Hart was his greatest fear.  The one thing to make him weak.

“Yeah.”  What else could he say?  “Will be nice to go home.”

Harry smiled, sending a knife to his chest.  Last time he saw that smile was before he fucked up his relationship with Harry.  Now, they always were strained.  Well, Eggsy saw it as.  Now it’s been four years and maybe it was time to move forward.  If Harry was showing it.  Roxy was right, but he needed Harry’s approval.  Why was he so pathetic?  Roxy Wouldn’t know.

“It is,” Harry agreed.  “Being an Auror was hard, but it was always lovely to go home.”

“Probably doesn’ get easier?”  This was what he wished he had.  If he left Harry on good terms, maybe he would help. Now, it was just conversation.

“For me, I’ll say.  It is hard when you have a family.”

“Righ’.”  Eggsy dropped his head down, watching the small puddle of water forming around his feet.  “Four years int enough time,” Eggsy chuckled and smiled cheekily. 

Harry just smiled wider and Eggsy felt his heart squeeze.  How he missed that smile.  “Even twenty years didn’t make it easier, but I say it’s on the Auror.”

In other words, Harry didn’t have anyone to worry about.  He had his mum and Daisy to support.  Though his mum told him, repeatedly, he didn’t have to; he had to. It was his job.   After his dad died, he became the supporter.  Well, getting Muggle jobs during the summer and slacking off in school because he was worried about his mum.  Which didn’t help.  And then Dean appearing didn’t help.

His presence didn’t sting so much because he had Harry.  And when he no longer had him, it was he turn to be the man he was supposed to be.  For himself and his family.  The constant pining and heartbreak was just an added bonus.  He never let that get in the way of his missions.  And now would be no different.

“Yeah.  Guess so.  Maybe ‘m not tha’ one.”

He wasn’t looking at Harry, so he didn’t see the flash of sadness flash through the older wizard’s eyes. 

Even after Eggsy was still looking at what he can’t do or what he hasn’t done.  He wasn’t looking what he accomplished.  He was looking at what he needed to do for work or what his mum needed.  Even though she told him repeatedly that they were fine, he couldn’t not help.  Maybe a little too much, but who was judging?

“You were always worried about your family,” Harry said in a matter-of-fact tone.

Yeah, he wasn’t subtle at all.  Almost every week he vented to Harry.  It was nice to tell someone. Well, someone besides Roxy.  He did confide in her, but it was different.

Harry never found out that his mum married Dean, about Daisy or the divorce.  Harry was no longer talking to Eggsy when he found out about his mum and Dean.

Not a big deal.  It wasn’t relevant anymore.  He was happy.  His mum was happy.  He still didn’t know what his mum saw in Dean.  The man was a prick

Eggsy shrugged his shoulders as he fisted his hands into his robes.  He didn’t know why he was saying this.  He was an adult.  An Auror.  He wasn’t a student talking to his professor.

Little by little, each time became easier.  He was talking to Harry like he did four years ago.  Like the Christmas fuck-up never happened.    Just as well.  He would act like it never took place if Harry was ignoring it.  It also was a slap in the face.  He really couldn’t make up his mind.

“Yeh.  Had to.”

That’s the one thing Harry fought him on: focus on school.  He could do nothing for his family if he tossed his education aside.  It helped. 

He wanted to be an Auror like his dad, but when Lee died, he didn’t leave enough.  Eggsy knew his mum was struggling but wasn’t telling him.  He got a muggle job during the summer and every pay went to his mum.  It still wasn’t enough.

“Anyway, ‘S not bad now.  Live on my own.  Don’ have my mum bangin’ on about Dean.  Now ‘S ‘bout not getting’ killed,” he joked, needing to cut the tension.

“You’ve impressed me, Eggsy.”

Eggsy tried not to take the compliment as a dig.  All of his teachers had no hope.

“You showed great improvement each year and it’s always satisfying to see a student excel outside of school.”

Eggsy rocked on his feet, playing with his hands in his pocket.  What his would have done for praises in his last year.  To know he made Harry proud.  Instead, he was disappointed.  He really should have been out to make his dad proud.  But, when he met Harry, it was hard to ignore the ex-Auror.

“Thanks,” he mumbled.  He wished Roxy would walk up but she was in her room, doing… Something.  He figured.  “’M jus’ glad I can help my family.”

Harry smiled softly.  He remembered how much he lit up when he talked about his mum and how his mood dimed when Dean entered.  It was the biggest reason Eggsy wanted to get a job.  To make enough he could support his mum and himself.  ‘Fuck Dean’.

“How is your mum?”

The young wizard shrugged again.   There wasn’t much, except there was, he just didn’t want to share with Harry.

“She a’right.  She left Dean.”  He figured he should share and save the questioning. 

Harry nodded and glanced down at Eggsy’s hidden hands.  He looked like he wanted to ask, but chose not too.

“I actually helped her.  Didn’ want her with ‘im.  Especially with my si-ster.”  Shit.  He didn’t want to mention that.

“You always were determined,” Harry chose to say.  “You have grown a lot, since the fourteen-year-old I met.”

Oh, fuck no!

Harry was dancing around this conversation.  Did Harry even think about it, like he did?  Yeah, he grew, but it took Harry’s rejection to make him realize he had to do this on his own.   He was on his own.

“Well, you showed me I wasn’ helpin’ anyone.  I had my mum to worry about and now Daisy.  So, you know…”  he left the statement open, not sure how to end it.

“I only helped you realize what you could do.  You proved yourself that you have the motivation.”

Eggsy opened his mouth to respond, but a group of sixth years—fifth years?  Wow, when you leave school you really can’t tell the ages.  Came up to them. One of the boys nodded to Eggsy as the other two turned to Harry.

“Professor Hart, we have a question about Inferi.”

So, seventh year.

Wait!  What?  Eggsy had to bit his tongue from laughing, stopping it from sounding bitter.  Someone upstairs hated him.  Out of all questions, it had to be a question Harry had humiliated him during class.

Fuck this.

He didn’t want to hear the question or answer.  He was already living the memory.  Harry disappointing, challenging look.  Roxy’s soft groan.  Then Harry’s answer, reprimanding without raising his voice.  That was always the worst.  Harry only raised his voice once and it was towards him.

“Take care, Professor Hart,” he muttered and walked away, not caring if Harry heard or not.

He missed the quick glance Harry sent him, watching his back.  He frowned but quickly schooled his face when the student went into the problem.

*****

“So,” Eggsy began as he sat on the edge of Roxy’s bed.  They were done for the day and were in Roxy’s room.

“Why are we always in my room?” Roxy asked and dropped into the chair in front of the desk.  She turned it to face the bed.

“Don’ know.  Jus’ go here.  We can go to mine next time.”   He dropped back onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling.  He missed this place, but Harry tainted it.  It should have been exciting.

When he got back to London, he was going to ask Merlin if he could never return. He didn’t care what he had to do.  He would do everyone’s paperwork of the next three years.  Roxy would say that was dramatic, but he didn’t care.

He was over it, he just didn’t want to see Harry again.  If he never saw Harry again, that would be a blessing.

“No, we won’t.  You always tried to get into my common room.”

“Because mine sucked.  Who the hell is proud to be a Hufflepuff?”  He was still bitter about his house.  He knew why he got it.  He was nothing special.  He wasn’t brave like his dad.  He wasn’t smart like Roxy.  Well, not as smart.  And he wasn’t a prick like Charlie.  Actually, he rather his house than Slytherin.

When he first got here, he had been hoping for Gryffindor.  His dad had been in that house.  He was his son.  It should had been.  But it hadn’t.  He had felt dread as the sorting hat cried out ‘Hufflepuff’.  He had written his mum that night to tell her.  He had tried not to sound hurt, but by her reply, he had.

The first two weeks had been a bore.  He was alone and in a house, he knew his dad would not have been proud of.  He had wanted to make his dad proud.  His mum was still.  

He wished Daisy was a witch.  She was only three, so there was still a chance.  Maybe?  Probably not,

He met Roxy the second day, but they didn’t talk.  He only knew of her when Professor King called on her in class.   He started to hang out with Jamel and Ryan.  He finally had friends, but he still felt empty.  He didn’t care that each house was ‘special’.  Hufflepuff was the spare.  He was in the right house.

Once out of school, it didn’t mean anything.  Did it?  He had the same job as Roxy and… Charlie.  He was just as good, if not better than Charlie.  He got here on his own and not Daddy’s money.

If he knew that in school, he probably wouldn’t have cared so much.  Aw, fuck!  Who was he kidding?

It took two weeks for Roxy to talk to him.  She already made a reputation of being one of the students who knew what the hell was going on.  His mum tried to help a much as she could. 

They were in potions when the witch sat in the seat by Eggsy.  He didn’t say anything until Roxy asked if she could borrow his textbook.  Eggsy just readily offered his book, to shock someone in another house was talking to him.  It was only the first two weeks.  They all still didn’t know half the classmates’ names.  All he knew were the houses.

After that day, Roxy sat by Eggsy in all classes.  She helped him with their homework.

She was the first one he came out to in fourth year.  He wanted to write his mum and avoid the awkward conversation.  Roxy railed him for the idea and he told his mum in the summer.  Dean, he didn’t know if the wanker knew or not.  He begged his mum not to tell and he never did.

It wasn’t like he brought a bloke around.  He wasn’t interested in anyone but Harry, and after that, he never dated.

He once wanked to Harry a few months after he left, but he just felt shame and disgust.  He never did it again and it was good.  He just threw himself into his work.

If he did end up having kids, he just hoped they would never crush on a teacher.  They would be better than that.  He would make sure of that.  Funnily, he didn’t see himself with anyone.  And no one that he could have kids with.  His mum reminded him that he was only twenty-one and could change his mind.

Not a chance.

 He couldn’t see himself as a father.  Well… Not now.

“You’re too hard on yourself,” the witch sighed sat forward, resting her elbows on her knees.

“Easy for you to say.  Your house had many famous witches and wizards.  Name one Hufflepuff.  We know Harry and Merlin were Gryffindor.  Professor King and Professor Valentine were Slytherin.”

“The Friar?”

“The ghost?   He’s been dead for like a thousand years.  Don’ joke.”

Roxy grinned sheepishly.  “Sorry.”

“Jus’ face it.  No one who made a for ‘emselves hav’ been a Hufflepuff.”

“Why do you care?  It kind of doesn’t matter when we leave.  You even said that.”

“Maybe I wanna be proud of my house.”

“Newton Scamander?”

“The bloke that almost got ‘imself killed?”

“Like you haven’t?”

“Tha’ was one time.”

Roxy raised her eyebrows.

“Fine, two.  Alrigh’, three,” Eggsy snapped at Roxy’s judging smile.

Roxy chuckled and leaned forward.  “Be happy you weren’t in Slytherin and with Charlie.”

Eggsy hummed for a moment, causing Roxy to roll her eyes.  She knew what he was about to say.

“Don’t,” the witch warned.  “I don’t want to hear it.  I know your mum.  If you are saying that your house would disappoint your dad, what would he think if you got sorted into Slytherin?”

“Would be prouder,” he argued.

Roxy shook her head and let out a scoffed.  “You’re unbelievable.  Why all of this now?”

“Because bein’ here is a reminder.  Of my legacy.”

“What legacy?  We left here and didn’t leave…” she trailed off and growled under her breath.  “Let it go, Eggsy.  No one but you and Harry know what you did.  And I’ve been trying to be there for you, but you are pissing me off.  Harry’s not in your life.  I bet he doesn’t think about it as much as you do.”

The young wizard gapped at the Auror.  He has been at the end of Roxy’s anger, but never about Harry.  She was right, though.  He wasn’t supposed to be like this.  It’s been four years.  He had become an Auror, he had a flat, he could help his mum, he was there for them.  He had a life.

“I’m here for you, Eggsy.  But if you won’t move forward, I can’t help.”

It’s been the same since they left.  And Eggsy knew he was being childish.  If his dad wasn’t disappointed in his house, he would be about pining after Harry—still—and fucking it all up.

What did his dad think of him?

“I know, Rox and you are right.  I hav’ to leave it.  ‘S neva gonna happen.  Not then and not after.  You’re a good mate.  I neva thanked you.”

The woman smiled and walked over to the bed.  She took Eggsy’s hands as she sat by him. 

“You never had to.  But it’s nice to hear.”

“Had to.  You were there for me and did nothin’.  Jus’ wanted to say it.  Tha’ I’m so happy to hav’ you here.”

“Thank you.” 

“Always seem like we get sentimental when we are here.”

“We do,” Roxy laughed a pulled back. 

“We need to stop,” Eggsy joked.

“Agree.”

“Too bad we can’ get away from Charlie.”

“Well, at least when we go back, he won’t be around… As much.”

“Too much.  Still kissin’ Professor King’s ass.  Don’ need the grades.”

“Well, we won’t be here for much longer.”

“Still countin’ down the days,” he joked but was still serious.

“Get out of my room.”  Roxy stood up and grabbed Eggsy, pushing him out of her room.

“Fine.  Know when I’m not wanted.”  He chuckled and walked to his room.

*****

It was the last day at Hogwarts before the Christmas break and before Eggsy and Roxy returned to London. 

Eggsy was excited.  He took Roxy’s advice.  He was excited for himself.  He wanted to see his family and spend Christmas at home.  It still felt weird leaving Hogwarts for Christmas and staying.  But he had to remember that he was here for work.

All the students were talking about their plans.  He heard many go on about visiting families, staying or travelling.  He still has not been out of England.  He remembered one year Roxy went to Paris and his mum said they couldn’t afford it.  Now he could, but he was too busy.  Well, he made himself busy.

The halls were decorated and the grounds were covered.   He always loved the snow, but in London it was rare.  Slush was a common occurrence.

Despite the one Christmas, he found himself enjoying the holidays.  He still had shopping, but he would worry about that when he got home.

He was all packed, something he always hated doing.  Always meant he was going home.  Now, he wanted to go home.

He only saw Harry once since his talk with Roxy.  He wasn’t avoiding the man, he just seemed to disappear.  He only knew Harry was still here because he had classes and none of the students were talking about a replacement. 

“Good evening, Mr. Unwin,” a young boy greeted Eggsy.

The wizard jumped, lost in his thoughts.  He looked at the boy, standing only a couple inches shorter.  He forced a smile.  He didn’t really talk to the students.  Well, the ones that didn’t come up to him.

“Evenin’… Lucas?”  He hoped it didn’t sound like a question.

Apparently, the boy didn’t catch it or care.  He smiled, continued looking up at the Auror.

Wait!  Lucas!  This is why he questioned why he was an Auror.  Lucas was the first student to come up and ask about being an Auror.  For a second year, he seemed to have his life already planned. He bit back a laugh at the memory and thinking of himself.  But he didn’t work for it.  Until Harry.

“Are you going home?  Miss. Morton said you were done.”

“We are.  Be on the train back.”

The boy nodded and smiled.  “Must be nice to see your family.  I’m not going.  Mum is going to stay with my nan.”

Eggsy didn’t miss the slight drop in the young wizard’s voice.  “Don’ like her?”

“Nope.  Always criticizing my house.”

Right, some families had disagreements on houses.  See, Roxy.  It does matter.  Well, it didn’t for him.  His mum was a muggle and his dad was dead.

Roxy whole family were Ravenclaws. 

“Ravenclaw is a great house.” 

Better than Hufflepuff.

“Not when you are in a family of Gryffindors.  Don’t want her going on.”

“Here ya.  Can’ say I know though.” 

His dad’s parents died before he was born and his mum refused a to talk about her mum.  Something about her not accepting her marriage to a wizard.  Not that he was missing much.  He didn’t need them.

He met Roxy’s gran and grandpa.  They were nice.

“Sorry.”

Shit.  He wasn’t meant to say that. He wasn’t supposed to share his life with a student.  He just couldn’t stop when he started.

“’S all ‘ight..”

“Still.  Well, I probably should go.  Have to see Professor Richards.  Have a nice Christmas, Mr. Unwin.”

“Enjoy your time off.  Happy Christmas, Lucas.”

The young lad waved and hurried down the hall.  He wanted to call after him for running, but he was done tomorrow and didn’t feel like being a teacher.

He walked down the halls; the lanterns were lit.  It was late and he really should be in bed, but he had a destination in mind.

He stopped in front a heavy, closed wooden door.  He rooked on his feet, staring at the dark wood.  This was mad.  He would probably question himself on the train, but right now he’d be mental.

He knocked loudly, hoping the man would hear.  It didn’t take long before he heard Harry’s voice call out.

He slowly pushed the door open, hesitate as he stepped into the room.  He smiled as he looked around the room. He loved this place.  If all went well with Merlin, this would be the last time he stepped foot in here.  Make it a happy memory.

Harry looked up, but went back to his writing, trying to get this letter down before the term wound.

“Hi, Professor Hart.”  He stopped right in front of the desk, waiting for the wizard to look up. 

This was the last time being here, he owed it to himself.  He was grown.  He’s been saying this all semester.  Promising Roxy, but never doing it.  This was his time.

“Good evening, Eggsy,” Harry said, still focusing on the parchment.

Eggsy rolled his eyes.  Harry’s constant distractions were always annoying.  Besides the Headmaster, he was sure that Harry was the next wizard who was always working.

“Still doin’ work, I see,” he teased, looking down at the writing.  He tried to read the note, but he stopped too far back.

“I need to finish this before the break.”

“Are you goin’ home?” 

Some teachers would go home, he never knew about Harry.  He always left, except for that one year.

“I’m afraid I’m staying here.  Don’t really have anyone to see,” Harry answered and he folded the note then looked up.

Eggsy walked closer and placed his hands on the wood, leaning closer.  “’Ve always liked leavin’ for home.  Was nice to see my mum.”

“Yes,” Harry grind up at the young man.  “I remember you always telling me.  You were always excited.”

“Still am,” Eggsy shrugged. 

Silence fell over the room.  It was weird.  They never had trouble before.  Now he’s only wandered in a couple of times and each was a struggle. 

“Any planes?”  Small talk was great.  He was sure if there were portraits in here, they would be laughing.

Harry’s eyebrows lifted, but he didn’t comment.  “Not really.  I heard you talking to Roxy about plans.”

“Yeh,” Eggsy smiled.  “Wan’ to take my mum and Daisy out, but I don’ know.”  He shrugged.

He looked around the room, trying to ignore Harry’s eyes on him. He felt like he was being judged and that wasn’t what he was here for. 

He turned and stared at his old desk.  He never sat in the front, convincing Roxy to take a spot in the middle.  Until Harry came and then he sat right front.  Roxy would have bitched, but she saw Eggsy’s face.  Instead, she teased him.  Which, was a better option.

How much he loved to be up front.  Harry would see him first.  Then he wished he was in the back.  That he never sat there.  After Harry’s dismay, it was torture to be right at the front. If he was behind, he could have stared at the back of some kid’s head.

He bit his lip hard, trying to control his breathing.  This was the first time he let his mind wander here and it was becoming a mistake

He didn’t realize he had moved until he was stood in front of his desk.  He ran his hand over the chipped wood. 

Harry was watching the Auror, studying each movement.  He would be lying if he said he always thought of Eggsy.  He really didn’t.  He felt so guilty and shameful when he let his mind wander to what he said to him.  The look on the young boy’s face when he said he was only helping to repay Lee.  How he didn’t correct Eggsy when he concluded Harry never believed in him.

He wanted to correct him.  Tell him that he did believe in Eggsy.  That it started as a debt, but slowly it became something else.

He slowly did realize he was growing feelings for the boy.  He felt so dirty.   Lusting over a sixteen-year-old was grossly frowned upon.  One, he was Eggsy professor and second, he was thirty-fucking-five!  And then Eggsy admitted his feelings.  He took his anger out on the boy and he didn’t deserve his forgiveness.

“I’m sorry.” The voice was so soft, Harry thought he misheard.  Then Eggsy turned and met his eyes.  He was biting his lip hard and looked so uncomfortable.  Harry wanted to hug him. What? He found himself wanting to reassure Eggsy, but he didn’t know what for.

“I’m sorry?” he questioned, which was probably the wrong thing to say as Eggsy looked like he was dying.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated, a little louder, walking back to the desk.  He only got two steps before stopping.  “For what I did.  For what I said that night and after.  I was stupid to confess and I was hurt when I tried again and you brushed me off.  I knew I shouldn’t have told you, but I can’t explain why I did it.”

“Eggsy-” the older wizard tried, but the younger wizard went on.

“I think you may have been—you-you we-were the first to believe in me?”

Harry heard the question and had to bit down on his lip. This was Eggsy’s time.  He needed to give it to him.  Not like last time. 

He wasn’t going to cry.  He was damn near close, but he wasn’t going to be weak here.

“And I couldn’ take a ‘no’ because even if you didn’ have feelings for me—I now know how stupid that was—but I had to let you know how much I valued and appreciate your support.  I knew you would be different after that, but I-I didn’ think you would be like tha’.  You treated Charlie with more kindness.”

Harry clenched his eyes at the memory.  He knew Eggsy had been hanging over the edge when he found him and then pulled him back, only to push him back because of his own anger.  He would have said that Eggsy did fall, but here is an Auror.

“Then you confirmed I fucked up truly.  I did read too much into it.  I jus’ wan’ to know one thin’.  Why did you act like you actually believed in me?  Why you didn’ tell me it was for my dad?  I know I put you in an uncomfortable situation, but why did you hav’ to tell me the truth.  Like, Jesus, jus’ lie.  Then I would hav’ false hope tha’ someone did believe in me.  Not jus’ my mum.”

He didn’t know why he was doing this.  He was never supposed to let Harry know.   He was supposed to lie.  Act like it was all fine.  But seeing Harry, his old desk and being the last night was too much and suddenly he wasn’t strong.

“Why?”  His voice was so quiet that he was sure Harry missed it but then the wizard was walking around his desk with a blank face. 

Oh, God.  He knew he couldn’t handle another blow.  He stepped back and closed his eyes. He took several deep breaths before he found his voice.

“I’m sorry,” he rushed out before Harry could say anything.

“You shouldn’t,” Harry said, stopping a few feet away from Eggsy.  “You shouldn’t apologize.”

Eggsy’s eyes snapped open and landed on the man.  He wanted to bit back but it was Harry’s time.

“I should be apologizing.  I was reckless in my actions.  I acted out in anger and wasn’t rational.  I’m sorry, Eggsy.  I ruined your trust and I can never forgive myself for that.  As a teacher, I am supposed to be there for my students and you were the one that needed me the most and I left you.  I should have been professional and I wasn’t.  I should have talked to you.  Not leave you.”

Eggsy bit his lip to stop his shaky breathing.  He was going to cry.  Scream.  Swear.  This is what he wanted.  What he begged for.  But he also didn’t want it.  When Harry didn’t acknowledge it, he could pretend that it never happened.  Now.  No.

“As an Auror, you are not supposed to regret things.  They are part of the job.  But I’ve only ever regretted one thing and that was what I said to you.”

Not even Lee’s death.  That was a regret but it also was the risk of the job.  Eggsy was pure and had his whole life ahead of him and he took his anger of everything out on the boy.

“I should have sent you away, but when you kept going, I couldn’t stop. That was never your fault,” he rushed out when he saw Eggsy’s face.  “You were putting me in a position that I wanted but could never have and that made me angry.  Again, it was never your fault.  And I am sorry if I made you feel like that.”

Eggsy was frozen.  This was what he wanted.  What he dreamed of.  But not like this.  Harry was feeling guilty and he was saying what Eggsy wanted to hear.

“Righ’,” he muttered.  “‘S alright.”  He avoided his old professor’s eyes.  Finding anything to keep him interested. 

“Eggsy.”  Harry stepped closer, closing the gap a little.  Eggsy still stayed still, avoiding his gaze.

“I realized wha’ I did was stupid.  I beat myself up over it enough.  You’re jus’ feelin’ guilty.  And ‘s fine.” He chanced a glance at Harry and thinned his lips, trying to keep the small whimper inside.

This was stupid.  Roxy would rail him later when he confessed.  He learned long ago to never keep secrets. 

“I said before.  No need to say.”

“Eggsy,” Harry said, barely above a whisper.  “I am sorry.  When I found you in the corridor, I wanted to apologize.  But as soon as you saw me, I couldn’t do it.  I’m sure you didn’t want to see me, but I knew that was my last time and I wanted to say what I truly thought.  And though you may hate me, please know I am proud of you.  You made your dad proud.  You worked so hard and became what you always wanted.”

Eggsy rocked on his feet.  He always wanted to make Harry proud, more than his dad.  How fucked up was that?  But now he didn’t know if it was true.  One thing was certain: he could never hate Harry.  He could be mad, wish he never met him, but never hate.  He could hate himself for that.

“Don’ hate you, Harry.  I neva could.” 

He didn’t know why he was confessing again.  Last time went so great.  Maybe it was the promise of never seeing Harry again.

“I appreciate that, Eggsy.  But I deserve your anger.”

“Well, ain’t gonna get it.  Don’ know why, but I can’.”  He chanced a glance at Harry’s eyes and met them instantly.

Harry frowned, causing Eggsy to scoff and roll his eyes.

“Don’ need your pity.  Already give myself it.”

Harry’s frown deepened as he studied the young wizard. He still didn’t understand the wizard.  Even when he was his student.  He still didn’t understand how Eggsy could not hate him.  After all, he did.

“Fuck,” Eggsy groaned, narrowing his eyes up at the man.  “Stop it.  I said I don’ want your pity.”

“I’m not pitying you, Eggsy.  I’m just wondering why you are doing this.”

The younger man wouldn’t be able to answer why he did what he did.  All he could say was that he was stupid and couldn’t let go.

“For fuck-” he growled but cut himself off as he pressed his lips to Harry’s. It was everything he fantasied about.  What he imagined when he stared at Harry’s lips.  He quickly sobered up when he realized Harry wasn’t responding.

Shit.  Shit.  Shit!  He truly fucked this up.  Harry could report him.  He wouldn’t but he could.  Eggsy’s heart was beating so fast that he was sure it would give up.

“Harry.  I-”

He was cut off by Harry’s hand.  Flashbacks of that night flooded his mind.  Ugh.  Why did Harry make him act like this?

“Stop, Eggsy.  Calm down.”

Eggsy bit his lip, nervous for what Harry was going to say.  Whatever it was, it would never be worse than before. 

What?  Why was he fucking thinking about this?  ‘Because it’s no different’ a voice echoed in his head.

“I’m not your teacher. You do-”

“But you can report-” Eggsy nearly yelled, cutting off the ex-Auror.

“I’m not going to.  I never did when you were my student. I am not going to do it now.”

That was another thing that haunted Eggsy.  Maybe Harry didn’t hate him enough to go to Professor Valentine.  Or maybe it was so Harry could hold it over him.  Knowing it was the former but because he was never in his right mind, it had to be the latter.  Fucking great!

“Why didn’ you?  You told me how much I fucked up.  You had the righ’.”

The old man was silent for a long pause.  Or maybe it felt long.  Eggsy was basically dying here.  He wanted to find Roxy, get the hell out of here and beg Merlin to never send him back. He would quit if he had to.  Okay, maybe not that extreme.

“Because I still wanted you to succeed.  As much as it was inappropriate-”

“Will you stop with the ‘inappropriate’ shit?  I got it the first time.  Don’ need to say it over and over.  Already hate myself enough.”

The other wizard didn’t comment but went on.  “I didn’t want anything to get in your way.  You had worked so hard and-”

“Didn’ hav’ to.  Not like ‘M not use to things like these.”

Harry frowned, looking a little irritated.  “Would you please let me finish?”

The young wizard bit his lip and shrugged.  Nothing Harry said would make any of this better. He didn’t need lies.

“You have proved everyone wrong, Eggsy and yet you still doubt yourself.  And I know you still beat yourself up when you make a mistake.  Every question or test you got wrong, you would be here.  As a teacher, you are to be proud of students, but I have to admit I went a little too far with you.”

Eggsy tried to keep his face blank, but he was still dying from the kiss.  He was sure what Harry was about to say wouldn’t help.

“Please let me finish before you speak.  You have been honest and now I have to.  I would like for you to take in my words before you decide.”

Eggsy just nodded, not trusting his voice.  He was sure he would sound winded or forgive Harry without any knowledge.

“I cannot deny that I did feel something for you.  But as your teacher, it is forbidden.  Worse than crushing on your professor.”

Eggsy felt his face grow hot, but he refused to break eye contact.

“I know I have apologized but I owe you an explanation.  You deserve it and I should have told you when I saw you at the end of the school year.  I am ashamed with how I treated you and I cannot apologize enough.  When you admitted to liking me-”

“I think it was ‘love’.  Sorry.”  He grimaced, realizing what he did.

“Love,” Harry amended, still not smiling.  “I felt dirty—disgusted with myself.  I hate to say it, but it was as my desire was mutual.  If you can say that.  You were still my student and you were seventeen.  It wasn’t allowed.  But I didn’t have to treat the situation the way I did.  That is the one thing I regret the most.”

His heart was thundering in his chest. He was sure if he didn’t do something fast, it would burst or stop.

“‘S okay.  It’s been years.”  He wasn’t about to tell Harry it still affected him.  Hell no.

“That may be, but that does not mean I cannot apologize.  I always say ‘no matter the time you can still do’.”

“What are we doin’, Harry?  You apologized and I accepted.  You can’ be tha’ guilty if you sayin’ it so many times.  Can we talk ‘bout somethin’ else?  Maybe?  Correct me now, but it sounds like you had feelings for me?”  He ended in a question, not feeling confident to be rejected again.

“You’re right, Eggsy.  I did feel something, but as I said: it was inappropriate.”

Eggsy groaned and closed the gap between the two wizards.  “Push me away if ‘m wrong.  If you don’ want this.” 

Eggsy tilted his head up and pressed his lip back to the ex-Auror’s.   The kiss lasted longer than the last.  Harry stood still for a few moments, causing Eggsy to panic, but Harry slowly pressed back.  Eggsy got bold and cupped the older man’s neck.    He slowly trailed his hand over the man’s chest.  Harry graded his hand and still the moment.  He broke the kiss.

“Eggsy-” he started but was cut off.

“Probably shouldn’ be sayin’ this but ‘m already kissing you,” he started and grimaced with what he was about to say.  He already confessed his love at seventeen, now twenty-one, there really wasn’t much difference.   “‘Ve always though’ ‘bout this.  ‘M not doin’ anythin’ I don’ want to.”

“Eggsy-” Harry tried again but the young Auror went on.

“If you don’, tha’s fine.  But ‘m not doin’ this for nothin’.”  This was his only time.  Tomorrow he would be on the train.  He wanted to leave with at least saying he tried.  However, an hour ago, he had no idea that he would practically be begging.  He didn’t beg.

“Are you sure?”

Harry’s eyes were locked on his but were unreadable.  He couldn’t tell what the professor was thinking.  It was unnerving and if Harry didn’t do something soon, he would leave.

The young man nodded and that was all Harry seemed to need before he pressed his lips back to Eggsy’s.

The young wizard tugged at Harry’s robed but two large hands stopped him.

“Not here,” he rasped and Eggsy want to bit out a ‘Then do something’ but Harry pulled his hand.

“Where-”

“My room.”

Eggsy felt a swoop as his heart started to race.  This was really happening. He would worry about the consequences later.  This was what he dreamed of since he was fifteen.  Who cared that Harry was in his thirties?  It was a dream.

Roxy would kill him later.  But if he could have a moment where everything was perfect.  Harry never hurt him, Roxy supported him, and wouldn’t think he was daft.

It was probably weird he was giving Harry a chance for one night, after everything.  People would call him dumb.  Maybe he was.

Harry pushed open his door and Eggsy followed.  He glanced around quickly.  It was large and homey.  He glanced at Harry, who was staring back.

Bravely, Eggsy walked over and pulled Harry closer to the bed, kissing as he went.  Eggsy pulled his jumper and kicked off his trainers. He didn’t have to work, so he wasn’t dressed the part.

He flopped back, bouncing a little and smiled up at Harry.  Impishly.

Harry raised his eyes brows in question, Eggsy only answered with the same smile and pulled Harry’s tie, connecting their lips.

*****

It was some time later when Eggsy was awake in a dark room.  He was sat with his arms resting on his knees.  He was staring down at the dark red blanket—darker in the black room. 

He nearly had a panic when he woke in a dark and unfamiliar room.  He had squinted his eyes, trying to adjust to his surroundings.  The room had been bigger, screaming that he wasn’t in his room.  

After the shock of finding himself in Harry’s bed, he realized his mistake, but right now, he couldn’t regret it.  On the train later was when he would let himself hate himself more than he did.

He did it.  He did it.  Eggsy chanted in his head and wondered how this happened.  He remembered Kissing Harry and the man kissing back.  He remembered coming into this room and… Fuck.

This was never supposed to happen.  This was supposed to be a fantasy that would never become a reality.

He looked back at Harry and bit his lip to stop a groan.  This was why he was pathetic.  He still loved Harry and willingly gave himself to him. 

He was sure when Harry woke up he would regret it.  He was still a student in the professor’s eyes. 

He still can’t explain or figure out how this happened.  Harry apologized and Eggsy kissed him.  Harry went with it, probably wanting to make it up to Eggsy.  It was a pity shag. 

Great.  Make him feel worse about sleeping with his professor.

Eggsy whined and buried his face in his hands and dropped to the side.

“Shit,” he cried when he almost fell off the bed.  He cringed and glanced to harry, who was still sleeping. 

He sat against the headboard, biting his lip, trying to stop the sob.  How was he going to explain this to Roxy?  They agreed that Eggsy wouldn’t pursue Harry.  He wouldn’t show that he still had feelings.  Well, that one was hard.  He was sure Harry could still see it.

She would be pissed.  But hopefully gentle.  He was already drowning in self-loathing.

He wanted this.  When he was young—seventeen—he dreamed of this.  Shamefully.  Roxy probably knew, but she never said anything.

“Wha’ the hell,” Eggsy muttered to himself.

He pulled the cover off and grabbed his clothes, quickly pulling them on.  He hesitated for a moment.  He went over to the desk against the wall.

He sat on the chair.  The moonlight casting through the windows illuminating the room enough for Eggsy.  He ripped off a piece from the roll of parchment on the desk.

He dipped the quill and quickly scribbled on it.  He stared at the note.  He grabbed it quickly and placed it on the nightstand and rushed out the door before he could second-guess himself.

_ Thank you.  For every thing. _


	3. Part III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the wait. This part took than I thought it would take. 
> 
> I hope you like the final part.
> 
> All mistakes are mine.

“You what?” Roxy yelled from her spot on Eggsy’s couch. 

It has been two days since they boarded the train and only three days until Christmas.  He never told Roxy what happened when they were on the train.  He was expecting a reaction and he best wait until they were somewhere private. 

He was right.

“What the bloody hell?  What were you thinking?  Oh wait, you obviously weren’t thinking.”

Eggsy bit his lip and looked down at his hands.  He wasn’t a crier, but he might right now.  His eyes were burning.

He didn’t need another person hating him.  He already hated himself enough.  He let Harry cut him down that he let a stupid apology cloud his judgment.  Harry’s apology may have been true or not, but there were the right words. 

He was pathetic.

He finally slept with his professor but all he felt was regret and a massive amount of self-loathing.  He was never going to get the upper hand in anything.  Merlin would certainly not allow his request.  Threatening to sack him if he didn’t agree.

Actually, maybe he could find another job in the Ministry.  Selling the Daily Prophet seemed like a safe job.  No one listened to those blokes anyway.

“Get off it, Rox.  I already hate myself enough.  I don’ need you too.”  He was looking at the floor of his living room.  He gave up looking at Roxy when she moved from the tree to the couch.

Roxy sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of her nose. 

Eggsy felt ill.  He wanted to run to the toilet but he was sure he wouldn’t make it.

“I don’t hate you, Eggsy.  This isn’t hate.  I’m mad.  At you, yes, but also in this situation.”

“Again, Rox.  I know I fucked up.  I let my one desire get to me.  I let his apology erase all the hurt and betrayal.  But then I remembered and a simple ‘Sorry’ ain’t gonna do shit.  I fucked up.  Like I always do.”

He sniffled and bit his lip, trying to stop the tears but it was too hard and he was crying before he realized he let his guard down.

“Look. Eggsy.  I didn’t want this to happen.  I kind of expected if you tried to be normal with Harry, it would’ve ended badly.”

Eggsy was silently crying.  His shoulders were shaking so badly that he didn’t know if he could speak.  Only Harry could make him cry like this and it was a blessed four years.  He guessed his dad hated him and was punishing him.

He wasn’t going to tell anyone but Roxy.  Like he did last time.  Only Roxy would know.  And Harry of course.

“I felt like I had to stop.  I hate bangin’ on to you.”

“You didn’t have to, Eggsy.  I’m here for you and if you felt like you weren’t ready, you didn’t have to.”

“I know.  But I don’ like relyin’ on people.”

“Well. Tough.  You have me and you don’t have to hide.”

The witch pulled the wizard in for a hug. 

“I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.”

“‘S fine.”

Roxy was rocking him, rubbing his back gently when Eggsy jumped back.

“Shit!”

“What?” Roxy asked, sounding a little scared.

“Merlin.  Wha’ if ‘Arry tell ‘im?  About us?  I could get fired.”

“I doubt that Harry will tell.  If he didn’t tell him last time, I really don’t think he will this time.”

“How so?  Innit somethin’ men do?  Talk about havin’ sex?”

“Um,” Roxy said, looking shocked that the man in front of her would think such a thing.  “I don’t know. I’m not a man and also, I don’t think Harry is the type.”

“Well, I don’ know.  ‘M not experienced in this shit either.  Oh shit,” he moaned and dropped his head in his hands.  He was so worried about Harry telling Merlin that he didn’t realize what sleeping with Harry meant.

“Eggsy-”

“I fucked Harry.  Or… I let Harry fuck me.”

Roxy blanched and scrunched her nose.  “I really didn’t need to know that.  But it had to happen.”

“No, it didn’.  Could ‘ave died a virgin.”

“You’re twenty-two, I highly doubt you wouldn’t find a man.”

“Not on my list.  As you said: I’m twenty-two.  I rather focus on work.  And my family.”

“And I know your mum wants you to have your own life.  You’ve helped her enough.  She’s told you to.”

“Yey, well, ‘m still goin’ to look after her.”

“As long as you live your life.”

“Maybe.”

“You’re so annoying.”  Roxy sighed and pushed off the couch.  “Come on.  We need to get you place decorated.”

“Why don’t you just use magic?” Eggsy sighed, still staying on the couch.

“Because it’s fun.  I never did this at home.”

“yeh.  Well, I didn’t hav’ a choice.  And why did you invite my family here?  You know Mum already has the house decorated.”

“Yes!  But it’s time for you to host.  You need to help more than visit for Christmas.”

“Mum likes hostin’ it.  Don’ have to pretend.”

“Well, according to your mum, she’s so excited.  She was so sure you would never invite her.”

“Why did you call my mum?”

“Because I knew you wouldn’t.”

“And now we are hosting Christmas?”

“Yes, Eggsy.  Weren’t you listening?”

Tell you the truth, Eggsy’s mind was on one thing and one thing only.  From the train ride and until Roxy came this morning, Eggsy didn’t hear anything.

It took until Roxy asked five times about having Christmas here before she realized the wizard wasn’t with her.

“Not really,” he smiled sheepishly.

“Well,” Roxy turned back to the tree, “We are having Christmas here and you are going to be happy.”

“And why are you here again?  Don’t you parents go to travelling?”

“They do and like always, I don’t go.  It’s never just my mum and dad.  It’s the whole family and I’m not interested in that.  My nan will complain how I haven’t married.  My one aunt will agree with her and they will spend the whole trip trying to set me up. “

“Suddenly my family doesn’ sound so bad.”

“Because it’s just your mum and Daisy.  I have obligations.”  Her face twisted in distance.  “And don’t me started on my uncle.  He thinks I shouldn’t be an Auror.  Funny, because I would have thought my nan would be the one.”

Eggsy laughed and leaned forward to pick up a glass ball.  An ornament Roxy had given him the first Christmas Roxy came home with him.  It had been the first wizarding ornament and had treasured it since.

He twirled it around.  It was much larger than the standard ball, but what was special was it was gold with snowflakes that sparkled around, casting off a sparkly light.  He remembered when he showed Daisy and how much she loved it.  He almost lost it to her clutches.  The next year, Roxy surprised Daisy with her own.  

“I remember when I gave you that,” Roxy smiled as she stopped in front of Eggsy.  You almost cried.”

“No. I didn’,” he argued.

He actually did.  His eyes only glazed.   In his defence, it was the first gift that wasn’t from his mum. And was from the wizarding world.  He missed putting this up.  Maybe, this was the push he needed to move forward.  He always dreamed of decorating a tree in his place.  Then it all changed.  But maybe this was a new chapter.

He stood up and walked around Roxy.  He placed the ball on a branch and smiled.  Yeah.  Maybe this was his push.

*****

It was the morning before Christmas and he’s been the most excited in four years.  It finally felt like his life was back on track.  And he would never suggest sleeping the person who destroyed you but for him, it was what he needed.

He would just tell Roxy that he just realized he needed to move on and being around Harry help. 

Though no one would ever know his biggest regret and the best moment he had was sleeping with Harry.  He was sure Roxy would admit him to St. Mungo's.

He was just putting his mum’s gifts underneath the tree when a large crack sounded.

“Jesus fuck!” he cried, nearly sending the gift flying.

He shot around and glared at the witch, who just smiled.

“There’s a fuckin’ fireplace, Rox!  Are you tryin’ to kill me before Christmas?”

The witch stepped over to the couch.  “Don’t have your wand on you,” she tsked and grinned.

“Well, no one knows where I live.  And be thankful I didn’.  Could ‘vae hexed you.”

Roxy just rolled her eyes and pulled packages from her bag.  “Call down.  You survived.”

“Barely.  And why didn’t you jus’ floo?”

“Because I was in Muggle London and didn’t have a fireplace,” she said like it was the most obvious thing.

“And why were you there?”

“For Daisy, obviously.  Wanted to get something that she could play with.”

She stood up and placed the gifts under the tree.  There were already a few already there, making the tree look festive.

“Are you sayin’ tonight?  Mum’s comin’ tomorrow.  Her mates are comin’ tonight so… Yeah.”  He didn’t know why he was so nervous.  It was just Roxy and his family.  They did this every year.  Except, they didn’t.  Well, not here.  It was the first Christmas at his place and he wanted it to be perfect.

“That what we agreed to.  And I have nowhere to be.  The family left today.”

She walked to the closet and placed her coat. 

“So, do wan’ to do somethin’ today or jus’ stay in?”

“Well,” the witch said as she turned from the closet and walked back to the couch.   “I would like to get out of here.  But not right now.  London was mad and our world is most likely the same.”

“Well then, wha’ you wan’ to do?” the wizard asked as he collapsed in the armchair.  He pulled his jumper off, already feeling too hot.

“Bake?  I always wanted to and it’s no fun using magic.”

“Sure you can do tha’?”

“Yes, Eggsy.  Just because I’m from a magically family doesn’t mean I can’t bake.  Can you?” she challenged, earning a glare.

“’Course I can.  Mum’s muggle.  I grew up helpin’.”

“Great.  Let’s do it.”

“Um, slight problem.  Haven’ gone shoppin’.  Don’t hav-”

“I know.  We are going to my place.  Wouldn’t it be a Christmas miracle for your mum to come over and see her son finally made cookies.”

“I’ve made cookies before.”

“Yeah and how many years has that been?”

“Aww.  Shut up.”  He pushed to the fireplace and grabbed a handful of powder.  He winked and dropped the powder down, calling out Roxy’s house.

Roxy shook her head fondly before copying Eggsy.

Eggsy was already in the kitchen pulling out the ingredients.

His mum would probably cry if she knew he was willingly backing and not bribed.

It was closer to six when Eggay dropped into a chair in his flat.  Who knew baking could be exhausting?

 “At least we killed the day,” Eggsy groaned, rubbing his eyes.  “I think I’ll use magic next time.”

“I agree for the cleanup.   But you can’t deny it was fun.”

Eggsy groaned and closed his eyes.  “Yeah.  Almost burning down the place was,” his voice dripping with sarcasm.

“First: the cookies just burned.  Second: there wasn’t even a fire.  And third: they burned because you forgot to set the timer.

“Yeh.  Whatever.”

Roxy just rolled her eyes and stood up.  “Well, the flat is still standing, let's go out.”

“Can’.  Too tired.”

“Yeah, Yeah.  Get up.  You were the one wanting to go out.”

“This is why I don’ do Christmas,” Eggsy groaned and push up. 

“Um.  No.”

Eggsy pulled his coat on and glared.

The witch just smiled and grabbed the man’s hand.  She turned and with a loud ‘pop’ they landed outside Leaky Cauldron.

“Fuck,” Eggsy grumbled clutching his stomach as he hunched over.  Despite it being nearly five years since he could Apparate it still made him feel sick. 

“And you wonder why I don’t let you Apparated us.”

“Doesn’ mean I can’ do it.”

“Sure.”  She opened the door and walked in.

“Why do always ‘ave go here?  Why can’ we go to the White Wyvern?”

“Tell me you’re joking. “

“Maybe,” the wizard dragged out before apologizing.

“Just sit.”

The room was busy and noisy.  A man bumped into Eggsy and spilt his drink.  The wizard was too drunk to realize he lost half of his drink on Eggsy’s lap.

“I say we stay home next year.  You can cook.”

“Wow.  Thanks,” Roxy deadpanned and sat back.  “Honestly, we’re here to have fun.”

“You jus’ didn’ get a bloke’s drink on you.”

“And you can clean it.”

Eggsy muttered under his breath as he flicked his wand.

“I—oh bollocks!” the young man seethed and turned his head.  “Wha’s he doin’ here?  Isn’ this place beneath ‘im?”

“Who are you—oh.”  Roxy snapped her head down. 

“Let’s hope he doesn’ see.”  Even as he said it, with his luck Charlie would push his smug noise here.

“Just don’t look.”

“Like I am?  If he comes here, ‘s your fault.  I didn’ want to go here.”

“And you wouldn’t have said anything if he wasn’t here.”

It wasn’t long before they heard the oh so comforting voice. 

“Eggy!  Morton!  How nice to see you two.”

“Can’ say the—ow.”  He glared at Roxy. “What was that for?”

“How are you, Charlie?”  Roxy glared, looking Charlie in the eyes.

“Funny seein’ you here.   Weren’ you goin’ on abou’ Switzerland or some shit?”

“Not that it’s any of your business, but I decided to stay here.”

“Why?  Mummy and Daddy finally wanted to get away from you?”

The other wizard’s glare was murderous but he ignored it.  “My choice is none of your business.”

“And your presence is not welcomed.”

“That’s no way to talk to a friend.”

“Friend?” Eggsy echoed. “Remember: you hate me and I hate you.  Or are you not used to getting your own way?”

“Oh, not very nice.”  He nudged Digby who had remained silent until now.

The other man grunted in response.  “Think he needs to be taught some manners.

“I think you’re right.”

“Charlie, just leave.  You’re not welcomed here.”

Charlie looked taken back.  “Well, she actually speaks.  Okay.   We’ll leave.  I can see why Professor Hart didn’t want you.”

Eggsy grabbed his wand as Charlie and Digby walked away. 

“Eggsy, no!”  The witch struggled to get the wand free.  “He’s not worth it.”

“Wha’ the fuck was tha’?” he nearly shouted. 

“Eggsy, calm-”

“Wha’ was tha’?  Does he know?  It sounded like-”

“I really doubt that.  I think he’s just saying it because he knows it bothers you.”

“Tha’s bullshit!  Harry probably talked to Professor King and Charlie heard.  Or worse!” Eggsy gasped in horror.  “What if he heard Harry tell Merlin?”

So much for moving on.

“I highly doubt that Harry told.”

“Oh, fuck off.  He did.  I don’t know how, but he did.  I know he did.”  He can’t tell how he knew but he knew Merlin knew.  Why didn’t he see it before?  Merlin’s pity looks he gave when he told them they were going back to Hogwarts. 

“Okay, say he does-”

“He does.  Jus’, forget it.  It doesn’ matter.  Harry’s not relevant.”

“Okay.”

And that was the end of the conversation.

*****

Harry woke up the next day, feeling groggy.  Usually, he was an early riser but the feel of it, it felt far too late.  

He sat up.  The room was bright from the outside sun but something felt off.  He turned and saw an empty bed.

So, it did happen.  He felt guilt fill him as he searched the room.  Beside the rumpled bed, nothing was out of pace. 

It was the day the students should be leaving and he knew he should be down there but he was sure he would never make it.  One teacher’s absence was acceptable.

He knew his apology was weak and should have explained a lot more.  But Eggsy then kissed him and suddenly he wasn’t the responsible adult he was.  He was just a man.  Not Eggsy’s ex-professor. He ignored all of his responsibility and hurt Eggsy more.

He didn’t deserve Eggsy’s forgiveness.  He was too forgiving for his own good.  Too self-less like Lee.  And he hurt both wizards.  Eggsy more.  He realized the impact of his words when he would talk to the young wizard and watched as he tensed up, ready to run.

He wondered if he would ever get a chance to properly apologize.  This wasn’t one.  It was like Eggsy was ignoring the apology.  Ignoring what this was all for.  Trying to ignore the mess up.

He never apologized.

He had to try again.  For Eggsy.  He knew the wizard was vibrating with anxiety.

He had talked to Merlin every time he visited and he always asked about Eggsy.  He knew he broke the boy’s confident and probably destroyed his trust if he ever found out that he turned to Merlin.

At the time, it was too much to hold in.  He needed help.  But when he saw Eggsy this time, he only felt regret and shame for revealing a secret Eggsy never wanted anybody to Know.  The fewer people, the better.  But that wasn’t possible at the time.

And he was going to rip the trust more. He needed to talk to Merlin.  He knew Eggsy told Roxy.  He had to.  He knew the boy’s life story.  This was something he couldn’t hide.

Letting Merlin know was dangerous.  He knew the wizard would be professional but he worked with Eggsy.

If this headache was the slightest to what Eggsy felt, he was feeling even guiltier.  He was his professor.  Not his lover.  Eggsy trusted him.  Shared things he knew he never told his mum and even Roxy.  He was Eggsy’s person.

He really fucked up.  He should never have taken Eggsy in.  He should have helped Eggsy and only helped him.  He should have never let Eggsy in unless it was for school.  Not for himself but for Eggsy.

Now, Eggsy was gone and he had to fix it.  If Eggsy very talked to him again. 

He had to talk to Merlin.  He needed to talk to someone about this.  And knew he was going to get judged but he would go crazy if he didn’t talk.  He already figured Roxy knew.  But again, she was allowed.  Sleeping with an ex-student, old or new was wrong.  Especially when the student was barely out of school.

He wasn’t supposed to leave the school this year but one day was allowed.  He’s been a professor for years and was allowed to leave.  He was past caring.  Professor Valentine didn’t scare him and never would. 

However, it was so close to Christmas, yet, he knew Merlin was never busy.  If he didn’t go today, he would back out.  Nothing scared him when he was an Auror.  Yet, he turned into a coward when it came to Eggsy.  He wasn’t the strong ex-Auror.  He was a mess.  Eggsy didn’t need to see this.   For a man close to forty, he wasn’t acting like one.

*****

When it came to Christmas dinner, Eggsy was not willing to cook.  That’s what magic was for.  He appreciated what his mum did when he was young.  He admired what she had to do and he did help.  He usually cooked with little help but when it came to big festivities, magic was a must.  He also did have Roxy.

“What time did you tell your mum to come?” Roxy asked as she charmed a dish towel to dry the pans she just cleaned.

“Um,” Eggsy looked up the clock Roxy had bought for him when he first moved in.  “I told her two.  So, half hour?”

“Well, hopefully, we’ll be done near that.”

“Eh,” the young man shrugged.  “She’s knows ‘m not great on time limits.”

“Mmm.  Merlin can agree to that.”

“Oh, sod off, Roxy.  And we aren’ eatin’ right at two.”

“Well, that will give us more time.”

Eggsy rolled his eyes and grabbed to jar if cookies.   He took the jar into the other room and placed it on the coffee table.  He took the lid and carried it into the kitchen.

He smiled to himself.  The flat looked and felt so festive.  The first time since he moved he decorated and celebrated by inviting his mum and Daisy over.  Well, Roxy did force him to invite them instead of going over to her place.

Roxy was whipping her hands and grinned.  She was proud of Eggsy.  This trip was hard on him and she was still pissed that he slept with Harry.  But in some weird way, maybe that was what he needed to do to move one.  If that, then she can’t fault him.

“You know, for the first time in a long time, I feel festive.  ‘M actually very excited.”

He was feeling the excitement he felt when he was younger coming back home.  It was like with each day he got more excited and now he couldn’t wait to give Roxy and his mum their gifts.  He was like a kid, despite that he was twenty-two.  You’re never too old for Christmas.

And to be fair, Christmas in the muggle world and wizarding world wasn’t all that different.  Just some of the celebration Roxy had to teach him.  But if he was being fair, He was fine with his muggle traditions.  They were the ones his mum and he celebrated each year before he went to Hogwarts.

Maybe he would ask his mum later if they could have a Christmas like they did years ago.  Some days he wished he wasn’t a wizard.  He probably would be an even bigger disgrace to his dad but it was a thought.  He loved his life as a wizard.  He would never have met Roxy.  And his job at the Ministry was something to be proud of.  He knew his mum was.  He also couldn’t have helped her with Dean if he didn’t have his job.

The small part of him did wonder what it would be if he didn’t have magic.  But he wasn’t about to accidentally say he wished it in case it came true.  Magic was weird sometimes.

“Is your mum coming or are you getting her?”

“Getting’ ‘er.  Neva travelled by floo and doesn’ want to do it with Daisy.  Actually, should go.  Kownin’ my mum, you’ll have me do all these things before.”

“First time using the floo is scary.”

“Not tha’,” the wizard grumbled as he took a handful.  “She's always been mental.  Don’ tell her I said that,” he rushed out, still standing in the fireplace.

“Don’t worry,” Roxy chuckled.  “I’ve said much worse about my parents.  You’re safe.”

The wizard grinned.  “You’re the best.” 

He threw the powder down and called out his mum’s place and vanished.

He stumbled out the fireplace and coughed.

His mum shrieked and almost slapped the boy.

“What the fuck, Eggsy!”  She raised her hand but the wizard dodged.

“Hey!  You knew I was coming!”

“Still.  You know I can’t stand this magic shit.”

“It’s the only way for you to come.  “M not ‘bout to let you take the tube.  And I’ve been on you for years.

Daisy waddled into the room, giggling when she was Eggsy.  She squealed and her brother picked her up.

“How’s my girl?”

Daisy grabbed his collar and pulled it.  She smiled up at the wizard.  “Good!”

“She’s been excited all night knowing that she was going over to yours.”

Eggsy bit his lip and smiled sheepishly.  “Yeah.  Well, if you were okay with flooin’, maybe she could co-”

“Don’t blame me, Eggsy.  You know I don’t like this magic shit.”

Lee was left out.  They both knew that if his dad was still alive then his magic wouldn’t be an issue.  He knew it was a reminder of what could have been.  Her son was a wizard but was reminded how his dad died.  By magic.

He knew that his mum wished he wasn’t a wizard but being a wizard gave her son an opportunity she couldn’t.  She had to be grateful for that.  She wasn’t that selfish.

“Sorry, mum.”  He shifted Daisy on his hip and bent to grab the bag by his mum.

“Not that bag. “

“Ow.  Fine.”

His mum just rolled her eyes and picked up the bag and her purse.

“Are you ready?”

It took a few seconds for his mum to nod.  She was nervous but Eggsy had gone over how it worked.  It wasn’t hard but it was new.

“Okay, you go first and Roxy is waitin’ by the fireplace.  We will be right behind.”

“Just know, if this doesn’t-”

“I know.  You’ll kill me.  It will work.  Jus’ be happy ‘M not makin’ you apparate.”

His mum glared as she stepped into her fireplace.  At that moment she wished she didn’t let her sun buy them a place with a fireplace.

She did as she was told and vanished.

He really hoped she got out at the right gate.

“Okay, love.  Ready to go?”

Daisy was still pulling on his collar, almost like he had something missing.

He copied his mum and landed in his flat.

Daisy giggled and the wiggled out of his arms.

“Woah.  Careful.”

He placed his sister down before she could fall out of his arms.  For being so young and small, she had scary strength.

The girl went running to Roxy and hugged her legs.  It’s going to be scary when she gets too big to be held.  It already seemed like everything was going too fast.  Soon she would be starting school and then she would really be a big kid.

He always thought if his dad was here, would Daisy be here?  Obviously not the same girl but would his parent have had another kid?  He’s liked to think.  Though, he doubted his sister would be this young and a muggle.

He watched his mum put gifts under the tree and Roxy sat on the couch with Daisy in her lap, playing with her necklace.

If this was his family that he was meant to have, he was content.  Not happy but he’ll deal with it.  Can you really be happy if you’re living your life for others?

Maybe he should start dating.  As Roxy said, he was young.  But soon twenty-two would turn to thirty and then forty-five and then he was single, watching Daisy fall in love and Roxy getting married.

Would she?  As far as Eggsy knew, she was fine.  Focused on work.

“How was Hogwarts?”   His mum came up and stood by her son.

The boy shrugged and continued to look at Roxy.  “Talk at dinner.”

“No!” Roxy called.  “It’s Christmas.  We can’t talk about work.”

“Really, Rox?  What can we talk ‘bout then?”

“Be a nice son and ask your mum about her day.  We haven’t talked to her since we left.”

“You know she’s stanin’ righ’ beside me?”

“Fine.  I’ll ask.” 

“No.”

“Okay.  Fine.  Let’s sit and figure something out.”

“This isn’ somethin’ we need to plan.  Why don’ we jus’ sit and talk?”

“And you complained when I suggested that?”

“Yeah.  Well-”

“Honestly, Eggsy.  You’re are acting like a child.”

“Mum!  You aren’ supposed to agree with Roxy.”

“She is right.”

“Fine.  You talk, ‘m goin’ to check on the food.”

The two women chuckled as the boy left the room.  Roxy put Daisy when she started fighting to get out.

“It’s nice to see Eggsy so happy,” Michelle sighed as her son disappeared.  “I know he’s been trying so hard these past years.  After school, he really worked hard.  His dad would be proud.”

Roxy bit her lip.  It was always hard hearing Michelle going on how proud she was of Eggsy’s hard work.  It was hard not to tell her.  She almost had many slips.  She really wanted to tell her he only did what he did to prove Harry wrong, and to get Daisy and her out.

He had saved up nearly a year to buy his mum a place.  He stayed with Roxy until he got his own place.  His mum and sister were more important.

Roxy was so understanding and nearly strangled Eggsy when he bought her the first edition of her favourite muggle author as a ‘thank you’.  She had a thing for muggles and had a big book collection.

“He really is a great Auror.”

“I’m glad he has you.  I probably shouldn’t say this—not a word to Eggsy—but I’m glad that he still has you.  Eggsy’s letter used to mention you and saying how brilliant you are.  Growing up, Eggsy never had friends.  As soon as he could work, he got a job for the summers.  And he went right into training when you two were done Hogwarts.”

“He really pushed himself in his last year.  Not that he never did but our last year, I think it was the reality that we were going to be done soon.  And to make… His dad… Proud.”  

“Well, I’m proud of him.”

“I am too.”

Daisy picked that moment to walk up to Roxy and pulled on her leg.

The witch picked her up and the toddler went back to playing with her necklace.

“Eggsy really wishes she was a witch.”

Michell smiled sadly and watched her daughter.  She could hear he son moving around it the kitchen.  She really wished Daisy was Lee’s and not Dean’s.  She didn’t regret her daughter but it was hard at first.  If she was Lee’s, she most likely would have been a witch.  Still, she knew Eggsy loved her.

“I know he does.  He never tells me but I just know.  It’s hard for him to be in a family and being the only wizard.  I think every child for lives in a house like that is sad.  But I think it’s harder on Eggsy because his father was a wizard.”

“Yeah.”  Maybe she should be a little more grateful for growing up per-blood.  But some per-bloods were dicks.  Her family and Charlie’s were great examples.

“He’s glad he has you.  Someone who he can talk to.”

“I’m glad I have Eggsy and you.  Your two are like a family to me.  More than my actual family.”

Michell smiled and took Roxy’s free hand.  “I’m glad we have you.”  The woman paused for a moment before smiling.  “You know, before Eggsy came out to me, I thought you two would get together.  Also, he’s you as a sister.”

Roxy was laughing as Eggsy walked back in. 

“Pretty sure dinner is ready.  Roxy, will you help?  Mum, stay where you are.”

“Sure.” 

Roxy handed Daisy to Michelle who fought to get back to the witch but as soon as she mentioned food the girl hugged her mum’s neck and let the witch go.

“I’ll be back, Daisy,” Roxy reassured and ruffled to girl’s hair before following Eggsy into the kitchen.

*****

Harry walked through the Auror department.  It was the same as it was when he worked.  It was filled with witches and wizards running around.

He really missed this.  He was happy as a professor but it was still not what he wanted to do.  He did want to teach but when he was ready to retire.  Not when he was forced.

He reached Merlin’s office and knocked before entering.  They’ve known each other for years that boundaries were a blurred line.

“Harry?”  Merlin frowned as the man walked in.  “I thought you were staying at school this year.”

“I am.  I just need to talk to you.”

Merlin’s founded deeper as he watched the wizard pace.  “Take a seat, Harry.  If you want to talk, I’m not going to watch you run a hole in my carpet.”

The wizard seemed to hear his friend but ignored him

“We’ve been friends for years, Merlin.”

The Auror nodded and sighed.  “We have.  What is this about?  You never visit me when you’re working.”

“I’m not working.”

“If you are at school, you are.  Now sit before I make you.”  He rolled his wand on his desk, raising his eyebrows challenging.

Harry glared and walked to stand behind the chair.  “I’m not sitting.”

“Fine.  Just tell me so I can figure if I want to be a part of this or not.  And before you say anything.  I’ve known you for years.  As I said before, you never visit.  Obviously, something happened.”

“I shagged Eggsy.”

“Oh, fu-”  Merlin rubbed his forehead.  Why did Harry get himself in these situations and drag him in? “Are you serious.?

“Yes.”

“Fuck, Harry.  Why?”

“I was apologizing-”

“And you decided you’d rather shag him?”

Harry’s glare was murderous but Merlin has seen this look for years.

“No.  Merlin.  I can’t explain how it happened.  I was apologizing and then Eggsy kissed me.”

“Harry,” he sighed tiredly, still rubbing his forehead.  “How do you get yourself in these situations?”

“You’re a real help. Merlin,” the ex-Auror tone was dripping with sarcasm.

“I shouldn’t have to help because this shouldn’t have happened.  And I’m the one who is going to have to deal with it!  I have to see Eggsy in January.  He works for me.  How am I going to look at him?  I already feel bad for sending him back.  And knowing what you did to the poor lad.”

“I know, Merlin.  I already hate this.”

“Then you shouldn’t have had sex with my Auror.  I have to see him and act like I don’t know.  You need to apologize properly, Harry.”

“I know.  I will.”

“You’re going to kill the poor lad, Harry.  He tried to hide it but when he first came, he looked like he wanted to run.  And then the day after you told me, I could see how torn up he was.  You messed him up.”

“I know.  Merlin.  You don’t have to remind me.”

“Well, it seems like I have to.  You never learn.  You were supposed to apologize and leave him to live his life.”

Harry moved around the chair and dropped onto the cushion.  He pinched the bridge of his nose and groaned.

“This was never supposed to happen.  He’s Lee’s kid.  I was supposed to help him.”

“You really should have asked Eggsy to leave so you could have figured out what to say.  I was the one who had him to worry about.”

“I know.  I can’t change it.”

“I know I should be on your side but I can’t this time.  You are old enough.  We knew what Dean was like.  You were supposed to be there for him and you weren’t.

“Yes, thank you, Merlin.  I was reminded every time I saw him.  And when he talked to me or when he ran the other direction.”

“You know his mum left Dean.”

“I figured.  Eggsy didn’t tell me but he never talked about him.  How do you know?”

“Overheard him when he told Roxy.”

“If you are implying-”

“I’m not.  But maybe Eggsy would have looked forward to when I sent him back.  Instead, he looked like he was about to resign.  Roxy was gripping his arm to keep him still.”

“Do you have to constantly remind me?”

“No,” the wizard replied simply and sat forward, resting his arms on his desk.  “I wouldn’t have to if you didn’t come every time you see Eggsy and fuck it up more.  Seriously, Harry.  Are you daft?”

“I thought you were supposed to help?  Not dismiss me.”

“I’m not dismissing you.  If I were, you’d be out of my office now.”

“Comforting,” the ex-Auror groaned.

“I’m being honest.  You need the truth and I’m not here to let you whine unless you want to fix this.”

“I don’t know how to,” the wizard answered in a whisper, sounding the saddest Merlin’s ever heard.

“Well, it won’t be ea-”

“Are you actually going to help me?

“I am.  But as I said, I can’t support you anymore.  I can suggest and be warn if you don’t accept, I’m done helping.”

“Enlighten me, Merlin.”

“Enough with the cheek.  I said I can help but what I’m about to suggest won’t be easy.  Or maybe it will.  Be pending on how much you want to help Eggsy.”

“I know I have to apologize.  Properly.”

“You’re not coming here.  And I am not giving you his address.  You have to find him.”

“Fine.  I’ve concluded that I have to work for it.  Anything else I should know?”

“You have to wait until school’s over.  Give Eggsy time.”

“Wouldn’t that be cruel?  Kind of gives him time to heal and then show up again.”

“Maybe but I think it would be better if you waited.  Listen to me, Harry.  You wanted my help.  I’m giving it to you.”

“Okay.”

“Don’t you have students to get to?”

“Supervising the students.  Not teaching.”

Harry stood up and left without another word.  He walked to Eggsy’s desk and frowned.  It was so impressionable.  There weren’t any pictures or anything really.  Just a quill, an ink pot and a small stack of parchment.  

A desk was supposed to be a small represented of who an Auror’s is.  Eggsy had nothing. 

Sighing, Harry walked out of the department and to the floo.  He still had a job to do.

It was two weeks later when Eggsy walked into Merlin’s office and requesting to be excluded from Hogwarts.

In that moment, Merlin realized how much this mission affected Eggsy.

 

*****

It was just after the new year when Eggsy walked through the Atrium.  It was just like any other day.  Witches and wizards rushing out of the fireplaces and into the lift.  He nearly got knocked over by a wizard too busy reading the paper and too oblivious to realize he sent Eggsy stumbling.

“Wanker,” he mumbled before he rushed to the lift.  It was already too crowded.  He considered taking the next one but he was already running late and he didn’t need anyone on his arse today.  He was going to talk to Merlin and he needed to be in a good mood.  However, that mood wouldn’t stay if the answer was no.

He and Roxy talked about it after Christmas.  Well, Eggsy talked, Roxy argued.  Anyway, if it was a mental idea, he still had to try.  And if he got a ‘no’, then he would let Roxy rail him.  Until then, no one could change his mind.

“M’ here,” Eggsy rushed as he walked to Roxy’s desk and fell into the chair.

“I see.  And you’re not late.”

“Yeah.  Almost though.”

The witch rolled her eyes and shifted the files on her desk.  “Just be happy that you’re here before Charlie.”

“Charlie’s not here?” his eyes lit up with excitement before frowning.  “He’s never late.  I wan’ to say he got sacked but with my luck, tha’s not possible.  Maybe he has the day off?”

“Could be.   But we were all supposed to be here today.”

“Maybe daddy had to step in.”

“Just be happy he’s not here yet and you calm yourself.  Now get to work.”

Eggsy hummed but didn’t get up.  He played with his hands as he listened to Roxy ruffling.

“’M goin’ to ask today.”

The witch’s quill stopped, leaving a blot of ink on the parchment. 

“You’re still on that?  Eggsy, this your job.  You can’t run away from things you have to do.”  

“Maybe.  But ‘m gonna try.  You can remind me of wha’ an ass I am if he says no.  But he will probably beat you to it.”

“Eh.  We both will.”

“Thanks, Roxy.  You’re a real mate.”

“I don’t appreciate the sarcasm but I am.  Now actually go to work and maybe Merlin won’t be too hard on you.”

“Always so positive.”

He stopped by his desk, hovering at his chair.  Should he get it over with?  He would have more time to recover from the blow.  But, the wizard was never fond of early visits, unless he requested your presence.

Better wait until the afternoon.  If Eggy didn’t go mental during the wait.              

Charlie still hasn’t shown up, which made the excuse that he was too hungover to face the world.  Though, weren’t there portions for that?  Or maybe he wanted a day off.  Like two weeks wasn’t long enough?  Or, he asked Merlin for an extended holiday.  That was more likely.  Yet, his hatred for the other Auror, he’s like to think he was too hungover.

By lunch, he still wasn’t ready to face Merlin.  He walked into Roxy’s office. 

“Haven’t done it?” the witch asked, not bothering to look up.

“No,” the young man groaned and dropped heavily in the chair. 

“What are you waiting for?”

“The righ’ time.”

“The right time was hours ago.  You’ll never do it if you put it off.”

“You and I both know wha’ Merlin is like in the mornin’.”

“And that time I checked, it was after noon.”  She made a point to stared at the clock on the corner of her desk.

“Oh, fuck off.  You jus’ don’ wan’ me to do this.” 

“No, I don’t.  But you are going to anyway.  So just do it.”

“It’s jus’ I—will you please look up,” he snapped, pulling a long sigh for the other Auror.

She placed quill in its ink pot.  “I don’t know what to tell you.  We’ve already gone over it.  Just go.”

“Fine.  Just remember, you pushed me.”

“I didn’t do anything.  This was your decision.”  She then picked her up the quill and went back to her work.

Eggsy sighed and walked out of her office.  He was going to do it.  He has to do it.

He stopped in front of Merlin’s office and knocked.

He heard a muffled come in and pushed to door open.

“Ah, Eggsy.  What can I do for you?”

“I need to talk to you.”

“Okay.  Take a seat.”

He walked to a chair and looked down.  “I’d like to stand.”  It would be easier to run.

“Okay.  What do you want to talk about?”

“Well,” he shifted on his feet.  He felt Merlin’s eyes burn into his.  The wizard always intimidated him.  Asking for something was the worse.

“What is it?  You know I can’t help unless you tell me.”

“Okay,” he said more to himself, then again louder.  “I, um, I want to ask if I can stop doin’ Hogwarts?” he rushed out.  There was no use in stalling.  The answer would be the same.

Merlin stared at him blankly and for a moment Eggsy was sure Merlin didn’t hear him.

“Sorry.  Can you repeat that?”

“I was wondering if I could stop going to Hogwarts?  I know ‘s part of the job,” he hurried before Merlin could jump in.  “I’ll do anythin’, Merlin.  I’ll do the shit jobs.  I’ll do whatever you want.”  He knew he sounded desperate but he didn’t care.  He was.

Merlin stared at young lad blankly, making Eggsy feel raising over his face.  Merlin was supposed to say something.  Not judge him.

“Why are you asking, Eggsy?”

He knew Merlin was going to ask.  And even after two months, he didn’t have an answer.  After he slept with Harry, he was truly confused.

“Well, I-I-“ he cut himself.  He had to think of something besides ‘I don’t want to’ and ‘I fucked Harry’.

“Eggsy, if you don’t give me a reason, I can’t help.”

The younger wizard looked to the bookcase on his left.  He couldn’t stand Merlin’s piercing gaze.

“I just feel like, I’m too young to help protect a school.”

Merlin hummed.  He was waiting for this.  He knew Eggsy would be here.  The excuse was bollock.  But he knew the Auror couldn’t say what he wanted. 

Also, he was never supposed to know.  And it was highly inappropriate to sleep with someone on the job.  But he knew from the start that Eggsy was in pain and would make dumb decisions.  Maybe accepting Eggsy’s request would help.

“I know I have to be professional and I-”

“Okay,” he interrupted the boy’s rambling with a small nod.

“Sorry?   Wha’?”

“I’m agreeing.  I will take your request.  You won’t have to go.”

“Uh, thanks?”  he was so sure he heard wrong.  Merlin was giving in too easily.  Then it hit him.  He took a shaky breath and struggled to keep his face blank.

“You’re welcome, Eggsy.  You may go.”

The young wizard nodded left the room.  He closed the door and rushed down the hall.

“Roxy,” he called and grabbed the witch, pulling her to the loo.

“Eggsy!  What the-”

“He knows, Rox.  He knows,” Eggsy moaned and fell against the wall.

“He knows—oh, Eggsy.”  Her eyes lit up in realization.  “How do you know?”

“He agreed,” was all he said as he moved his hands to his face.  “He said I don’ hav’ to go back.  Why would he agree to me being a dick about my job?  He always says it’s the job and we can’t whine.  But he said yes!”

“That is strange.”

“Harry told.  He told Merlin and now he feels sorry for me!  You said Harry wasn’ the type to talk. And now here we are.”

“I honestly thought he wasn’t the type.  But maybe we don’t know Harry as well as we thought we do.”

“Wha’ am I goin’ to do?  Merlin’s pitying me now.  Wha’ is he goin’ to do with my work?  I don’ wan’ him to ignore me if I fuck up.  I wan’ to do my job properly.”

“Nothing.  Act like you don’t know.  You got Merlin to agree.  You celebrated Christmas like you used to.  This is moving on.  I’ll say that it could be better but this what you have.  I’m with you, Eggsy.”

“It was nice bein’ normal for once.”

“You were always normal, Eggsy.  You just had a few rough years.  But you’re strong and you are moving forward.”

“Wha’ if Harry comes?  You know he comes durin’ the summer.”

“Well, that’s not for a few months.  I think that gives you enough time.  If not, I will allow you to hide in my office.”

“Jesus, Rox.  Don’ pity me too.  I know you think I’ve gone mental.  Sleepin’ with Harry after all he did to me. I-”

“Let me finish.  I’ll admit your judgment wasn’t great but it’s done.  We can’t change it.  And what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t help?  You are showing you are trying to move forward and I’m here to help.”

The wizard smiled and pulled the Auror in for a hug.  “Have I told you how much I love you?”

“Not enough,” she teased and tightened her grip. She really wanted Eggsy be fine by the summer but she wasn’t about to rush him.

“You’re great, Rox.”

She pulled back.  “Okay.  That’s enough.  I think we’ve been in here long enough.  I don’t want Merlin to hunt us.”

“’M surprised no one came in.”

“Easy.  We went in the lads'.  If we went into the girls’ we would have been interrupted several times.”

“Good point.”

“Hey!” she slapped his arm.  “You’re not supposed to agree.”

“Fine.”

He pushed the door open and led the way to Roxy’s office.

“I guess we should actually do some work.  Don’ wan’ Merlin on our arses.”

“Hey.  I’m supposed to say that.”

“Guess I’m learni’.”

“Sure,” she drawled out and smiled.  It’s only been two weeks and Eggsy is already making great progress in moving on.  

“Anyway, see you after work.”

“Bye, Eggsy.”

*****

Spring was nice.  It wasn’t a season where you felt like you were dying in your wool cloaks.  It also meant you could go outside and risk getting rained on.  Spring was a fucked-up season but Eggsy didn’t hate it as much as he hated summer.  But by the spring they were having what was like an extended summer.  It was already hot and he just wanted to get inside.

“Remind me why I chose a job where I’m sweating just getting dresses,” he growled as he walked into her office.

The witch sighed heavily but didn’t look up from her parchment.  “Why don’t you just move your stuff here?  You’re here every day.”

“Answer mine.”

“I will, once you answer mine.  Why do you always stay here all morning?”

“I do not,” he argued.  “I like it here.  And I still get my shit done.”

“But not as quickly as you should.”

“Yeah.  Fine.”  He rolled his eyes.  “Probably owe Merlin since he agreed to me.”  

“You should.  Also, this is your job.  You should be doing it without Merlin agreeing.”

“Sure.  Now answer me.”

“I really think your question is rhetorical.  You always wanted to be an Auror.  I doubt the clothes are your problem.”

“Are you goin’  to lookup?” he asked, ignoring his friend’s answer.

“No.  I am not because I am doing my job like you should be doing.”

There was a long stretch of silence that Roxy thought Eggsy left before she heard him sigh.

“Fine.  I’ll go.”  He walked to the door before turning.  “My mum’s havin’ dinner.  Want to come?  She was askin’.”

Roxy groaned and finally looked up.  “I would but I have you go to my parents.  It’s my aunt’s birthday and because I missed Christmas, I have to go.”

“Hearin’ that makes me sure I neva want to meet your family.”

“That’s why I never invited you.  If my aunt hates me, she won’t like you.”

“Wouldn’ be the first time.  Though my gran hates me because my mum married my dad and she hates that ‘m a wizard.”

“Well, glad we can agree.  Anyway.  Go.”

“Alrigh’, alrigh’.  ‘M goin’.  See you at lunch.”

“Go to work, Eggsy,” she rolled her eyes fondly and went back to her writing.

Eggsy saw Marlin walk out of his office, head buried in the files in his hands.  He walked by the young wizard without acknowledging him.

He felt a faint stab of pain.  He didn’t know why he cared.  It was nice to not have the wizard on his ass but he kind of missed being yelled at.  Weirdly enough.

Every since Eggsy came back and asked Merlin to be left out, Merlin seemed to be avoiding him.  Which further confirmed what he suspected.  Merlin knew and felt guilty. 

It was awkward when your boss knew of your fuck-up.  And when he gave you extended deadlines that easier missions, it really felt like he was feeling guilty.  That wasn’t what he wanted.  That wasn’t what he had asked Merlin for and he was getting what he asked for.  But he with his missions, he felt like he didn’t deserve it.

Unless he was brave enough to talk to Merlin, he was stuck with this.  He needed to talk to Roxy.  She would probably call him mental but by this time, that was basically his title.

He almost ran into Charlie but ran to his desk before the arse found him.  He was met with a stack of his unfinished reports.   Now he knew what Roxy meant.  He really needed to get his work done when Merlin asked for them, which, now he was too linenette.

He was probably going to miss lunch to finish these but that was fine.  He needed to prove to Merlin that he could his job without favours.

It was well past noon and Eggsy just past the halfway mark of his files.  He was starving but he was in a rhythm and he wasn’t about to stop.   He’d just eat a lot at dinner.

He was focusing on rereading a file then he jumped when a knock came.  He pulled the preachment to his chest and glared a Roxy. 

“You fuckin’ scared the shit out of me!  You’re lucky I wasn’ writin’!”

The witch just smiled and sat on the chair across the desk. 

“I’ve been in front your desk for five minutes, calling your name.”  She wrapped on the desk again.  “I haven’t seen you this concentrated since the N.E.W.Ts.”

“Yeah, well, I figured I hav’ to do this shit soon or Merlin will get on my ass.”

Roxy hummed and sat back.  “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that.  Do you think—I’m sorry,” she laughed.  “This is funny.  I’m the one banging on you.”

“Truly funny, Rox.  What is it?”  Eggsy placed the papers he was looking at to the side of the ‘finished’ pile.

“I don’t like this change.”

“Say what you want and leave me to finish.”

Witch just chuckled and grinned.  “Okay.  Do you think Merlin is being a little… Different?”

“How?”  If she said what he was thinking, it meant that he wasn’t overthinking.

“Merlin is great but we hardly have any missions together.  You and I.  Like, it’s been over four months and the last time we worked together was Hogwarts.”

“So, you see it too?”  The woman nodded as Eggsy sighed.  “I was goin’ to ask you at lunch if we could talk later.”

“Well, I’m free now, so we can talk.  I don’t have time after work.”

“Okay.  I jus’ feel like Merlin is punishin’ me or he feels guilty.  I said I’d do anythin’ if he took me out and he’s givin’ me the shit jobs.”

“With Merlin, I agree.  It could be either.  I really don’t know.”

“I jus’ want to do my job and not be like ‘m new.  ‘M getting’ shit I got when I first started.”

“What can you do, though?  Merlin’s the head of the department.”

“I want to talk to ‘im but I don’ want to.  I don’ want to ask and be made an arse.  He probably won’ admit to it anyway.”

“So, what do you want to do?”

“Nothin’.  I did tell Merlin I’d do anythin’ and maybe that’s what he’s goin’.  I can’ say shit.  I was already pushin’ it by askin’.”

“If you say so.  But Eggsy, I know you asked Merlin for a favour but that doesn’t mean you have to take all he’s doing.”

“Innit the thing’?”

“Not necessarily.  If it gets to be too much, you can say something.”

“I guess-”

“Just because you never stood up for yourself-”

“Oi!  I couldn’.  Dean would hav’ grassed me.  My mum would be so mad at me.”

“Not what I meant.  But it’s like after Dean, you just take.  And, with Harry, you just closed and just take it.”

“’S not like school.  This is the Ministry.  I hav’ to work.”

“I just feel like you’re going break.  You have done good so far but what you are doing is now amazing.  But after your talk with Merlin, you’ve fallen back.”

“I know.  ‘M tryin’.  And I feel like I should say somethin’ but that would make it suspicious.  Wouldn’ it?  If I asked, it migh’ show that I know that he knows and he knows that I know.”

“Way to confuse it, Eggsy.”

“S wha’ I do?”  He smiled and shrugged.

“Sure.  Just think about it.  Anyway, I have work to do and then a death sentence.”

“Ha.  You sound like me.  Rubbin’ off on you, eh?”

“Sadly.”

*****

“I swear, each summer gets hotter,” Eggsy complained as he pulled at his collar.

“Honestly. Eggsy, do you ever stop complaining?”

“Tell me tha’ 's not hot and I’ll stop.”

The witched scoffed and sped up her steps.  “Not the point, Eggsy.  You’ll find something else.”

“I don’.  And if you want, I’ll stop.”

“No. you won’t.   Now get inside and you won’t be complaining.”  Roxy pushed the wizard a fireplace.  “I’ll see you inside.”

Eggsy walked to an empty fireplace and grabbed a handful of floo powder. In a second, he was stumbling out into a crowd of wizards and witches.

“Let’s go,” Roxy pulled Eggsy to the lift. 

“I can stop.”

“No.  You can’t.”

“I can.”

“Don’t start a fight.  You won’t win.”

“Fine.  Wanna make a bet?”

“Nope.  I’ll just win.”

“That confident?”

“No.  It’s a fact.  How many bets have we done and you’ve lost?”

“Okay. Fine.”

Eggsy placed his bag on a chair as he sat in the other.

“I’ll do it ‘m self.”

“Good luck, Eggsy.  And I agree.  Today is hot.  Now enough about the weather.

“Okay.  I should go and actually do the reports.”

They just got back from a mission which was weird.  He had been paired with Roxy.  It was like in May, Merlin finally gave Eggsy more assignments and with Roxy.  It was almost like Merlin felt sorry for Eggsy.   Again.

“I’m already doing mine.”

Eggsy stood and picked up his bag before he turned to Roxy.

“Innit a bit strange that we’ve been paired up a lot lately?  Not tha’ I don’ like it but why now?”

“I really don’t know.  I say be happy that Merlin is actually treating you like an Auror.  But I will agree that it is strange.”

“Yeh.  You’re righ’.  At least ‘m done with Harry.”

“Now go to work and leave me to do mine.”

Eggsy collapsed in his chair and exhaled loudly, getting a glare from an Auror who looked like anything irritated her.

He rolled his eyes and pulled the pile to him.  There seemed to be more this time but maybe it was always like that and he was just so use to the shit missions that anything more than three pages was excessive.

He was halfway done when Roxy sat in his visitor chair.

“Can I help?”  He didn’t look up, to busy with his thoughts.

“It’s funny to see you so concentrated and ignoring me.”

“Well, I need to show Merlin tha’ I can do this.  Wan’ to show he was mental to take me off the field.”

“He didn’t take you out of the field.”

“He pretty much did.”

“Sure.  So, I need to talk to you.”

“Okay?” 

This time he put his quill down and sat back.

“You scare me when you do this.”

“I’m trying to be nice.  Now shut it.  I know your mum’s birthday is on Saturday and I know you wanted to take her to the theatre.”

“Yeh.  Told you,”

“Well, I know you didn’t buy the tickets because you didn’t have anyone to look after Daisy.”

“Wha’ is this about?”

He told Roxy of his plans two weeks ago but he didn’t trust anyone to be with his sister.  Well, except Roxy but he wasn’t about to ask for her help.  It was the weekend and he knew how much they needed the rest.

“Here.”  She pulled an envelope from her pocket and laid it on Eggsy papers.

He tentatively picked it up and furrowed his brows.  “Should I be worried?”

“No.  Honestly, Eggsy.”

“Sorry.”

He opened the envelope and glared.   “What it this?”

“The tickets for the theatre for Saturday.  You’re taking your mum and I’ll watch Daisy.”

The wizard didn’t know what to say.  Roxy was always helping more than he could give back.

“I’ll pay you back,” he decided to say.  He had the money anyway and Roxy was doing enough with looking after Daisy.

“You don’t have to but you probably do because it’s your mum’s present.”

“You’re great, Rox.”

He placed the tickets in his pocket.

“I’ll pay you back.”

*****

The week was a curse.  Merlin decided to send Charlie with Roxy instead of him.  Then Hogwarts just got out and now he had to listen to parents bang on about how much of an arse their children were or how much of an actual arse they were.

He never liked the wait for the N.E.W.Ts results.  But it was worse with the parents.  Either bragging or banging on how the wait was affecting their children.

This was the worst time until they were all \going back.  Luckily that wouldn’t be until August.

He just missed Roxy before she went off for a week.  The only benefit was that Charlie was gone.  He would be alone for a week and he’d use that time to get his work done.  Show that he could work alone.

Another thing that made this week feel cursed was the fact that he was actually going mental and he didn’t have Roxy to talk to.

For the past two days, he swore that he saw or heard Harry but he never left his desk to check.  He wasn’t about to face Harry if he was actually there or confirm that he was truly meatal.

It was the fourth day of no Roxy and he still was stuck to his desk.  He only left if he needed the toilet or for lunch.  He could prove to Roxy that he could get his job done without help.

“Eggsy?”

The voice was soft but sounded like it was yelling.  Eggsy was so lost in his work that he didn’t realize his name being called.

“Jesus!  Fuck!” he yelled, jumping and dropped his quill on his writing.  He groaned when he saw the black ink stain.

“Really, Eggsy?” the witch next to him glared.

“Oh, shove off, Emily.”

The witch just rolled her eyes and left.

Eggsy watched her go before looking up and he felt his blood freeze and his heart dropped.

The man he thought he finally escaped was stood in front of him.

“Professor Hart.”  Eggsy nodded and picked up his quill and placed it back in its ink pot.  “How can I help you?”

He really wished he had Roxy here but maybe he had to do this alone.  Needed to do this for himself, by himself.

The professor smiled sadly.  He knew Merlin would have his head if he knew he was talking to Eggsy.  He was supposed to find Eggsy outside of work but that proved nearly impossible when the young wizard seemed to only work or stay at home.

“I was wondering if I could talk to you, Eggsy?”

The younger blinked.  He knew this was all Harry would want but it was an agonizing reality.

“Uh?  Sure.”  He sat back and gave the man his attention.  The faster he got this over with the faster he could get back to work and then tell Roxy.

“I really would like if we could talk after work. I would prefer we didn’t have this conversation so publicly.”

“Oh.  Um, sure.  “M done in an hour.  I’ll meet you downstairs?”

The wizard smiled softly and nodded.  “Thank you, Eggsy.  I’ll be waiting.”  Even after all this time, Eggsy was giving him more than he deserved.

The wait wouldn’t have been hard if Harry wasn’t so nervous.  He knew Eggsy would forgive him and that was the scary part.  Eggsy was too forgiving and would forgive people when they didn’t deserve it.  He wanted Eggsy to forgive him if he wanted to.

Eggsy met him by the fireplaces.  He was fiddling with his bag.   “Do you want to talk at my place?”

“I’d rather not.” 

They needed to talk in a place with as few distractions as possible.

“Okay.  Where?”

“There is a park?”

Eggsy nodded.  “If you’re sure.”

“I am.”

The park was beautiful.  Eggsy wondered why he never came.  Maybe he could convince his mum to come here with Daisy.

They sat on a bench by a big tree and two little boys running around.  He smiled but was pulled back by Harry’s voice.

“There’s a lot I need to say, Eggsy and please let me finish before you say anything.”

“Alrigh’.”  The wizard nodded and watched as the older wizard sighed.

“I know I’ve already apologized.  But I think we both know it didn’t really help.”

Eggsy unsure of what to say but luckily Harry just went on.

“I gave into my desires, Eggsy.  And though I do not regret it, I cannot help but feel like I took advantage of you.  You were my student and I hurt you before you left.  And your forgiving me over Christmas was not sincere.  I am not saying that it wasn’t.  But I did not deserve it.  I feel as if you were forgiving me because you felt like I earned it.  I did not.”

“Maybe I though’ you did,” Eggsy jumped in.  “Jus’ because I didn’ have the best family. Doesn’ mean I forgive because I want to.  I want to because you said what I wanted to hear.  What I regret is shaggin’ you.  I felt like I was goin’ back to tha’ nigh’.”

“I appreciate that, Eggsy but-”

“If You say because your older, fuck off.  Jus’ because 'm younger doesn’ mean I can’ think for myself.”

“I am sorry Eggsy.  But I am sorry for what I did.  I was your teacher.”

Eggsy laughed humourlessly and smiled sadly.  If they were being honest, then he needed to talk too.

“I still love you. I know ‘m mental and probably shouldn’ be tellin’ you this but, hey.”  He shrugged and smiled.

“It will not work, though.”

Eggsy shook his head and met the man’s eyes.  “No.  Not right now.”

“I was not implying.”

“Neither was I but, you know.  Will you wait?”

Harry was silent for a long moment.  “Yes,” he eventually said.  “I will wait until you are ready.”

“Thank you.”

Harry stood up and kissed Eggsy’s forehead and clasped the wizard’s should.

“I’ll see you soon?”

“If you would like.”

“I do.” 

If he could have him as a lover, he’d be happy.  It may be crazy but if he only let Harry be his mate, he would still be happy.  He couldn’t let Harry back in now but maybe in time.  He just hopped Harry would be there when he was ready.


End file.
